Dear James
by MissCar
Summary: Sequel to Dear Spock: Happily ever after is not an endpoint but rather a state that needs constant maintenance. A post STID story that deals with all the unpleasant stuff between our protagonist saving the day and the start of the five-year mission but with humor. Even in a 'coma' Jim can cause complete chaos with his programming 'skills'. Establish K/S, M/U, & CM/?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dear James/Fucking Perfect

Sequel to: Dear Spock/ Beautiful

(Yes, I should be working on Alex Suarez and The Truth About Love, but the plot bunnies wouldn't let me and it was easier to write this on my old computer while I waited for my new computer to be repaired.)

Summary: Happily ever after is not an endpoint but rather a state that needs constant maintenance. A STID rewrite/sequel to Dear Spock that deals with all the unpleasant stuff between our protagonist saving the day and the start of the five-year mission. Getting out of the darkness will require a lot of hard work, as well as total honesty, even when it's painful. Pairings: Established and trying to keep it that way K/S, and it's complicated U/M.

Rating: T but it will most likely go higher. Also, the full title of this story has a curse word in it and Jim does have a dirty mouth so I really don't know how long the T rating will keep.

Spoiler alert: This story is one massive spoiler for Into Darkness. Also, because this is a semi-rewrite of STID, it might be easier to read if you have seen the movie.

I said I wasn't going to do a sequel to Dear Spock. Then I saw the new movie and realized that Dear Spock fit almost perfectly with the timeline. About 98% of the film could be compliant with that story. The only thing that really conflicted was Jim screwing the cat twins and the fact that Jim and Spock would have gone over their reports together so they would've been consistent, as was their practice by the end of Dear Spock. Even Spock and Nyota's interactions really did not conflict that much because they come off more as friends with make out privileges than two people who were madly in love with each other. Actually, Nyota and Spock may have a closer relationship in the Dear Spock universe, even though they're no longer sleeping together.

At some point, I realized that if I accepted my own story as canon, the film itself made more sense. Spock going off the deep end because his bond mate/fiancée died seems much more likely than Spock going completely crazy because his friend died. Nyota being angry about Spock's suicidal tendencies fits really well with the narrative established in the first story, because she already lost a close childhood friend to suicide. In that story, Spock and Nyota's sexual relationship started because Nyota didn't want her best friend to kill himself, because that had already happened once before. Also keeping that in mind, it makes perfect sense for Nyota to beam down to the planet to keep Spock from doing something stupid and to save Jim, because it wouldn't be the first time. I also was a little annoyed by the fact they went from Jim dying to everybody being happy again. That just didn't make sense, because something like that is going to require a lot of therapy. By the end of the movie, I just knew I had to write this story. So you can thank J.J. & Company for inspiring me to write a sequel.

Canon consistency: Most things in SITD did occur in this universe unless they directly contradict with something in this story (unfortunately, that means Pike is still dead). There will be some slight differences that will come out during the course of the narrative. Just go with my interpretation. The only thing that absolutely did not happen was Jim having sex with someone who's not Spock (I'm still on the fence about the underwear scene, because that thing needs to be parodied).

As mentioned last time, I am horrible at start dates and therefore will not be using them. For the sake of making everything cohesive, we're going to assume that our villain destroyed the Kelvin Memorial Archives in early June 2259 instead of February.

That means this story takes place about one month after the Epilogue of Dear Spock.

Disclaimer: If I owned Star Trek, I would have let Spock kiss Jim in that scene in STID, and you know which one I'm talking about. Obviously, that didn't happen.

* * *

**Prologue: 'Happily ever after' Really is Bullshit**

Jim never expected to be sitting in the nearest dive bar to his and Spock's apartment crying over his boyfriend/fiancé/husband-by-Vulcan-standards (metaphorically anyway). He knew he should be spending as much time as he could with Spock before Starfleet forced the couple to be light years apart for the duration. But Jim wasn't ready to spend time with his husband (or whatever), mostly because he said a few things he shouldn't have in Pike's office and he probably would be sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity (if Spock's BFF was not already occupying it). He blamed the fucking Admiralty for this mess, including Admiral Marcus and the other idiots-that-be that openly hated Jim with a fiery passion. Jim wanted to get as drunk as possible and forget about the fight with Spock. Okay, he really wanted to punch something or possibly have angry wall sex with Spock (and only Spock, evidenced by the fact that he flashed his engagement ring, also known as the interplanetary symbol for 'get away from me I am taken', at the brunette who sat down next to him). He wasn't exactly sure what to say to Spock, which was why Jim was still hiding at the bar, hoping that if he got drunk enough, maybe he would have the balls to talk to Spock.

He wished Dr. Suarez were still around. None of this would be happening if she were still assigned to his ship (not that it's really his anymore). This disaster made him really miss his favorite therapist (still living). Because Jim wasn't exactly ready to go home, (or rather to his temporary quarters), he decided to e-mail the good doctor. It was probably a better idea than getting plastered.

* * *

From: KirkJT

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:35:11

**Subject: I told you everything would go to hell after you left.**

Why did you have to leave me for the Vulcan colony again? Now I remember, it is because we work for fucking morons. I knew everything was going to go to hell the moment you left Enterprise. I knew that we weren't ready for you not to be here, but nobody listens to me.

First, Spock's suicidal tendencies have popped up with a vengeance. You know that the idiots-that-be pulled us from New Vulcan early so we could watch a volcano practically destroy an early civilization while we obeyed the Prime Directive. You know I absolutely despise no win scenarios and well, Spock was already guilty enough about the last planet that was destroyed on his watch. Therefore, we came up with a plan to make sure the volcano did not wipe out the civilization in question. I won't bore you with specifics, but everything sort of fell apart and my only choices were to let my (husband) first officer die or risk the local inhabitants seeing Enterprise, i.e., violate the Prime Directive. Okay, we both know that when it comes to choosing between the Prime Directive and my (husband) first officer, I'm going to choose Spock.

I knew there were going to be consequences, but I didn't care. It was Spock. I couldn't let him die when there was something I could do about it. Fuck the rules. (By the way, my idiot boyfriend actually expected me to just follow the rules and leave him there to die. I told you he was backsliding.)

Bones and I got in a fight about the whole thing. He was sure that Spock would have left me there if the situation were reversed. I know better, because I'm pretty sure Spock cares more about me than his own safety (remember the kidnapping incident). Bones and I also had a not-fun argument after Spock was safely out of harm's way, where I accused my sometimes-best-friend of being jealous of my boyfriend. Actually, Bones got in a fight with his girlfriend, or should I say ex-girlfriend, about the whole thing too. He said that she was still too concerned with Spock for him to just be her ex-boyfriend and well, that's why she's now his ex-girlfriend. That's also why Nyota is currently sleeping on our couch. Spock doesn't want her to be alone during the break up.

Actually, she's so mad at Bones that she asked my permission to randomly make out with Spock just to piss off her boyfriend, and you know I said yes because that was dirty sex fantasy number 23 on my list. (I think you need to call Nyota. Spock almost dying may have caused some flashbacks to the Marc situation. I think the other reason why she sleeping on our couch is, she is afraid Spock will return to his previous self-destructive behavior.)

I just want to let you know that the wonderful Stacy was a complete prick (as predicted) and I'm sure he is in cahoots with one of the idiots-that-be that fucking hates me. It turns out there's more than one and they're all assholes. If you were still on board, we would have just sent Starfleet a very abbreviated version of what happened on Nibiru. However, because of Stacy, I had to tell the truth.

I have been mentally preparing myself for the fallout, which in my mind would be me and Spock switching places. You and I both know Spock would make a much better captain. First, he actually understands all the completely arcane and asinine rules of Starfleet. I feel like I'm drowning even after a year. With Spock with me, I'm doing okay. It's just sometimes I think it would be better if our roles were reversed. You know that I like it when he takes control in the bedroom and I think that it would be easy to transfer that over to the work setting. Sometimes, it's just easier to let Spock take care of things. You know with my childhood, I've always had to be the one in charge. I never had someone just take care of me and I like that.

I could be the best first officer ever for him. But the way things are now, I am always doubting myself. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time. Even I know that the reason why the death tolls are not higher is that I've been lucky. You know I pretend to be the cockiest asshole alive, but it's just an act. Other than you, Spock is the only one who knows that. There's no fucking way I was ever going to let Stacy know that. I've been acting like a cockier asshole than normal just to keep up appearances.

Despite how I normally behave, I knew there were going to be some consequences, although that's mostly because of getting yelled at by Stacy for 2 hours (I'm sure he was just a spy for Marcus). I was mentally preparing myself to lose the ship and for my boyfriend to become my boss.

(I may have warned Pike about what happened, just in case he could keep things from being so bad.) .

I know I did something wrong, according to the stupid rules, but I was still sure that I would get to keep the most important thing in the world to me, and that wasn't Enterprise.

They took SPOCK, the bastards. They left me on Enterprise. Although, that probably only happened because Pike knew about what was going to happen and managed to sit on the supposedly secret tribunal. I'm now reporting to Pike because Marcus really is an asshole, and this is some sort of sadomasochistic torture on his part. I can deal with that part of the punishment, (even if I don't think I really did something that wrong), but the dicks-that-be are sending Spock to another ship, away from me and all his friends. That hurts more than anything else. They said that we can't serve together ever because we put each other first instead of Starfleet.

That's fucking bullshit. If it were anybody else on my crew down there, I would have done the same damn thing. I told you this a thousand times before, but if I have to choose between saving a life and following some stupid regulation, I'm going to choose to save a life. Their type of thinking is what got my brother dead. Why send assistance to a planet with only a few thousand starving people? They're too concerned with the letter of the law and not its spirit. The idiots don't give a fuck about anything but their fucking rules. They don't care. Because they don't care, I'm getting separated from my husband

I mean boyfriend

I mean

Oh fuck, what does it matter, I'm completely in love with the guy. Are labels really that important?

Okay, so I may have said some things to Spock that would get me on the couch if it wasn't already being occupied by Nyota. I may have blamed him for the entire thing because he was the one that suggested that we needed to be completely honest with Starfleet because Stacy was going to screw us over anyway. I was then informed by Chris that if I had lied on the report, I would be getting shipped back to the academy instead of just being demoted to first officer (without Spock).

Right now, I'm hiding in a dive bar avoiding Spock. Don't worry; I'm not going to get into what I used to do at bars when I got completely drunk. I've already flashed my vintage engagement ring (that looks like a wedding ring) about 12 times. Contrary to popular belief, you know I'm not a space slut.

I just need some time to think. I'm fucking terrified. How can we maintain our relationship if we are stuck on different ships? Then there is the fact that my husband, boyfriend, or whatever, has suicidal tendencies and I'm not sure his new captain is going to look out for him like I do. Nyota won't even be there to watch his back.

Do you think there's any way you can switch to the Bradbury? I need someone with him that I can trust.

* * *

Jim barely had time to order another beer before a message popped up from his favorite therapist.

* * *

**From: **mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

**To: **KirkJT

**Subject: Swallow your pride and apologize**

**Time sent: **6/4/2259 22:46:54

I think I am going to need to schedule a video conference with you and Spock because this isn't something I can address with an email. I don't know whether to start on your low self-esteem or your arrogance. You're the only one I know who has both issues simultaneously.

However, my first piece of advice is to stop hiding in a bar and go talk to your husband, especially before you decide to do something stupid like get in a bar fight or make out with some random stranger. Tell him that you're scared. Tell him that you're worried about him. If you don't tell him what is going on, he's never going to know. You and I both know that's your biggest problem with Spock. Usually you keep everything inside until I need to have you and Spock in my office beating each other with sticks to work things out. If you're not ready for that, maybe you can send him an email. You're good at saying exactly what you feel in an email.

I know he's worried about you. I just got a message from him.

Talk to your Spock and I will e-mail you back with a time for our deep space therapy session.

* * *

Considering he and Spock have much better communication via e-mail, he decided to give it a try. If nothing else, maybe if he gets it down on paper (metaphorically speaking) it will be easier to say out loud. Chances are his therapist will tell Spock exactly where he is and that confrontation will happen sooner rather than later.

* * *

**From: **KirkJT

**To: **SpockX

**Subject: I was really sure that we got to the point where I wouldn't have to apologize for being an ass in an e-mail**

**Time written: **6/4/2259 23:10:54

Time sent:6/5/2259 00:00:01

I guess I should start with, 'I am sorry for a lot of the stupid things I said in Chris's office.' I wasn't angry at you. I was angry at the situation. I'm not upset about losing the ship.

Okay, I'm upset about losing the ship mostly because it confirmed my year-long theory that the Admiralty were really just waiting for me to fuck up and boy did I ever fuck up (by their standards anyway). The only reason why I'm not spending the rest of my career being retrained at the fabulous Starfleet Academy is because I listened to you when you told me not to lie about saving you.

It didn't even seem like they were that upset that I violated the Prime Directive, but rather that I violated it to save you. Apparently, the general consensus is that I am too emotionally compromised to work with my partner and therefore we are going to have to spend the rest of our careers away from each other. I'm really mad about losing you. I know that we are bonded for all eternity, but what's going to happen when you are light-years away from me? What if you meet some nice guy or girl, of some unknown species, and decide you are tired of dealing with this crazy human. I drive you crazy. Although, unlike my supposed doctor friend, I'm perfectly okay with you and Nyota having a really close relationship. Okay, I'm more okay with it now that I understand how things started between you two in the first place. That relationship doesn't bother me, but the possibility of other relationships does.

I'm not worried about me being faithful. Even though my so-called best friend still thinks I'm a space slut, you know the only person I want to have sex with is you (unless we can talk Nyota into an 'angry at my stupid/jealous ex revenge threesome'). There's this girl sitting next to me that keeps flirting with me and I can only think about you.

It's not that I don't trust you, because you are the only person that I really trust. I'm worried that you are going to leave me. I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm afraid that you will realize I'm not worth it. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone that can actually tell you this in person instead of having to write it all in an email because he's too fucking terrified to tell you anything in person.

I mean, you know how fucked up I really am. There's a reason why I spent literally more than a decade in therapy. I'm not even on speaking terms with my mother and I'm probably not going to be on speaking terms with my brother either, because I just remembered I bailed on dinner tonight with you and Kevin*.

Shit

Okay, that's something else I probably should apologize for.

So how did the 'meeting my little brother' thing go? I know you guys have talked a few times via deep space instant messenger, but this is different.

Okay, that tangent was me avoiding writing about the real reason why I'm scared of you being on another ship. I'm afraid of losing you and I don't mean to another person, but rather to death itself. You almost died in that volcano and you actually **expected** me to just _let_ it happen? I don't give a fuck about stupid Starfleet regulations. I love you. You're the only thing I care about. What's going to happen with your new captain? You don't have a good sense of self-preservation. You got **kidnapped** and you didn't even tell me about it. I need to know that you're safe. I don't think I could handle it if you died because I was not around to prevent it. I know I couldn't handle it. I was a fucking mess when Sam died.

I keep having this dream, at least I think it's a dream, I don't really know because we're older than what we are now. You're trapped inside the warp core, or at least I think you are. It doesn't really look like ours. I think you just did something really stupid, because I'm watching you die in front of me. I can't get to you because there is this fucking glass in the way. I can't save you. I can't do anything but watch.

Don't ask me to watch you die for the greater good because I can't do it. I don't give a fuck about everyone else and maybe that makes me a bad captain, but that doesn't matter anymore because I'm no longer a captain. I would do anything to make sure that you live a long and happy life. I would lose Enterprise a thousand times if it meant keeping you safe. I am so scared. I need you.

Pike just walked into the bar and he's giving me his 'I am so disappointed in you' look. I've been getting that a lot lately. I have to go.

Love you.

* * *

Jim quickly saved the message. He decided that maybe it would be best if Spock didn't see this until after midnight. He probably should get something with chocolate in it before he came home, because groveling with gifts will be in order.

Of course, he never did get to stop for that apology chocolate because, after Pike called him out for acting like a cocky asshole when it's obvious that was just a façade and then proceeded to give him the ultimate pep talk, they were called in due to somebody blowing something up in London. He barely had time for a quick 'I'm still annoyed at you' kiss with Spock in the elevator before everything really did go to hell.

To be continued.

Please review. I take requests. If you want me to rewrite a particular STID scene, let me know.

Bonus feature: for those of you who did not read the trailer for Dear James at the end of Dear Spock here is Spock's email to Dr. Suarez and her response.

* * *

From: SpockX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: I am concerned about James and I am uncomfortable speaking about this with your replacement Dr. Cruz.

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:42:01

I apologize for not writing you sooner but several things have happened since the ship was forced to leave the Vulcan colony early due to the situation on Nibiru and communication has not been possible. The mission was a success in the sense that we were able to preserve the inhabitants. However, we were not able to do so without violating multiple Starfleet regulations including the prime directive. We had no choice but to be completely honest in regards to what happened due to the presence of your replacement, Dr. Cruz. Because of this and the doctor's assessment of our partnership, it was deemed that James and I can no longer serve together on the same ship. I am being reassigned to the Bradbury. James has been demoted to the rank of commander and will be serving as first officer on Enterprise under Adm. Pike. Obviously, neither of us is pleased with this situation.

After an altercation in Adm. Pike's office, where both of us said things that were inappropriate, James disappeared, leaving me to entertain his brother for the evening. I am certain he is at the drinking establishment three blocks away from our temporary lodging. I do not believe he wishes to speak with me right now. However, I believe that he would be willing to speak to you. It is imperative that you talk to him right away before he does something self-destructive.

* * *

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: SpockX

Subject: We really do need to talk but not in an e-mail

Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:59:55

He is not the only one that needs to talk to me. I just read a very interesting e-mail from James. We are so scheduling a conference call, because you sacrificing yourself for the 'greater good' is still suicidal behavior. I really thought you had moved past that. Barring Federation Catastrophe, I expect you and your Jim to be on my screen tomorrow at 9 AM your time.

In the meantime, talk to (or e-mail) your fiancé. He is just as worried about you as you are about him.

* * *

Footnote:

* In the Dear Spock Universe, Kevin Riley is Jim's adopted brother and he goes by the name Kevin Kirk. Also, Jim did not end up on Tarsus in this universe but Winona and Sam did. There were lots of consequences of that, including Jim getting Kevin as his adoptive brother and Sam dying on planet.


	2. F you love, Nyota

Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed or left kudos on the first chapter. I think a lot of people may have missed it because I posted it too late at night. Because I tend to post chapters as soon as I get the chapters back from my beta, the wonderful T'Purr, at strange times of the day, on no set schedule, I suggest putting the story on alert.

Since the author's note was so long last time, I didn't state how this story is going to be different. I really do listen to your redirected feedback. Things will be a bit more linear this time and perspectives will be interchanged. This time I'm going to be integrating the letters and the journal articles with the narrative of the story, although the first section is going to be a little bit more journal and email heavy. In addition, due to the fact I'm keeping things very canon consistent, Jim may not see some of this for a little while because of his "incapacitation". Also the story will be told from perspectives other than Jim and Spock. For example, this chapter will be from Nyota's perspective for reasons that will become evident as you read.

Canon consistency note: Instead of having people travel at the 'speed of plot' as in the actual movie, I'm going to spread things out over a few days (or maybe they're just traveling at the speed of my plot instead).

To help new readers and those of us who don't remember every little detail of something you read two years ago (even I had to reread Dear Spock before starting on this story), I'm going to use footnotes in the story to help jog everyone's memory.

Disclaimer: This chapter does contain a little bit of dialogue from the actual movie but I have modified it slightly to fit the new dynamic. However, everything else after that will play almost exactly like it did in the film until the present point.

* * *

Chapter 1: Dear Jim, fuck you. Your angry friend who loves you, Nyota

From: KirkJT

To: UhuraNX

Time saved: 6/8/2259 4:35:11

Time sent: 6/9/2259 00:00:01

Subject: If everything turns out as bad as I think it will, take care of my husband for me.

Pike told me that someday my luck was going to run out and I would do something that was going to get everybody killed. I think that may be today. We've already come too close to that already and I'm not sure how we're going to get through this. I realize I am about to do something stupid and Spock knows it too, which is why he actually provided me false information about the origins of a quote. I honestly don't trust John or whatever the hell his name is. But I have to try.

If I don't come back, make sure Spock doesn't do anything stupid like starving himself to death or doing something that may get him killed. Take care of him for me, even if that means doing what you did last time. Make sure he knows I love him and I'm only being this stupid because I want to keep him and everybody else on the ship safe.

Your friend,

Jim

* * *

The tears were falling down her cheeks as she read what may be Jim's final email (if this crazy scheme does not work). He must have written this right before going over to Marcus' ship and he used that stupid delay email system that he accidentally created. It was enough to make her wonder if he knew he was going to die. She was beyond pissed that he sent this to her. This was a goodbye letter, even if Jim didn't say goodbye. It reminded her too much of the suicide email that she got from Marc*. If Jim weren't still lying unconscious in front of her, she would strangle him.

Nyota was glad she was alone right now with only her two unconscious friends to witness her rage and frustration. Kevin was either trying to get something to eat or once again trying to call Winona in an effort to convince her to come see her son. When he first called her about what happened, she ended the transmission before Kevin could tell her everything. In the interim, Winona has not accepted anyone's calls or emails (all the read receipts on the emails have come back as being deleted without being read according to Kevin).

Various members of the crew have come by, but they don't stay very long and no one was there right now. Everyone was too busy with the recovery efforts, especially Sulu, who was technically Acting Captain. Sulu was Acting Captain because Spock was occupying the bed behind her. He lost consciousness about five minutes after they returned to the ship with the only means to keep Jim's death from becoming permanent.

Leonard was consulting with Doctors Suarez and Weston** on the colony about why Spock has been in a 'coma' for the last four days. The current theory is that the violent breaking of his bond with James (via his death) caused Spock to have a complete psychotic break (that seemed to be the only logical explanation for the screaming and going after Khan in a homicidal rage). After Spock's inner pre-reform Vulcan desire for blood was sated, he collapsed and went into a healing trance. Dr. Weston speculated that the only reason why Nyota was able to get through to Spock at all was that they may have formed some sort of accidental friendship bond (highly likely considering that they once had a sexual relationship and she touched him after Jim di – 'lost consciousness').

They don't know for sure because there wasn't really anybody qualified on-planet to assess what actually happened (that they trust anyway). Due to the state of emergency right now, it will be at least a few more days before either doctor can arrive to examine Spock.

She was personally glad her former boyfriend was busy consulting with the two Vulcan specialists because she just wasn't ready to deal with the man right now. Maybe if everything hadn't gone to hell and she were not keeping a bedside vigil for two of her friends, she would have forgiven him for accusing her of still being in love with her ex-boyfriend, maybe.

It wasn't exactly a false accusation. She did love Spock. He was her best friend (when he wasn't doing idiotic suicidal things for the supposed greater good). They were close. They knew things about each other that no one else did, but it wasn't a romantic love and Leonard just did not trust her enough to accept that there was nothing physical going on between her and Spock. (Nyota personally blamed the bitch-that-will-not-be-named for his trust issues.) God, she was helping Spock plan his wedding and was going to be his best person. It was supposed to be something quick if they managed to get the five-year mission, but that wasn't going to happen now, was it (especially if Jim doesn't wake up). She actively helped get those two together. You don't do something like that if you're still hung up on your ex-boyfriend.

That's the one thing she hates about standard: the language does not have multiple words to differentiate between the different types of love. Although Vulcan had a term that can mean lover, friend, and/or brother simultaneously, so she was not sure which language best conveyed complicated relationships.

She did not want to say that specific word, even in her mind, because the last time she heard it being used was in engineering as she watched Jim die. The tears falling from Spock's eyes will haunt her more than anything else. She will never forget the last words exchanged between the lovers.

"_I wanted you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you..."_ she heard Jim whisper just as she caught up to Spock. Jim's voice was broken as he struggled for breath. She knew what was happening all too well. This wasn't the first time that she's come upon this scene. Last time it was her holding the body as Marc took his last breath. Despite her normal professionalism, she couldn't keep her own tears from falling.

"_Because you are my T'hy'la," _Spock said as his tears increased.

"_Love you,"_ James stuttered out just as his eyes closed for what they all assumed to be the final time.

Even if by some miracle Leonard's crazy plan works and an evil man's blood does bring Jim back, she will never forget that scene, no more than she will ever forget finding Marc seconds after he pulled the trigger and him practically dying in her arms as she waited for the paramedics to come. It's been playing in her mind on a loop for the last four days, six hours, and 24 minutes. (Yes, she knows the exact moment that Jim died.)

Unfortunately, her ex-boyfriend knows her a little too well and knew she would be driving herself crazy by speculating on all the things she could have done differently to avoid this outcome. Since she's not on speaking terms with him and refuses to talk to him about it, as her doctor, he was ordering her to see a therapist. She would be pissed off at him for playing the doctor card, if it wasn't for the fact that he was right. She was a mess, between Spock's almost sacrifice, Jim's actual sacrifice, and the breakup. She needed help. She couldn't do this on her own.

She wasn't going to see Dr. Cruz because she blamed Stacy for this entire mess. If he hadn't forced Jim and Spock to reveal that they broke the Prime Directive, they wouldn't have been anywhere near Earth when all of this went down and therefore she wouldn't be sitting between an unconscious Jim and an unconscious Spock. Actually, Nyota wondered if Marcus used Cruz to set Enterprise up. She was just as wary of the Admiralty as Jim was-is (he's not dead yet). Let's just say you couldn't pay her to be in a room with Stacy Cruz right now, let alone get her to talk to the man about her feelings. She may actually hit him the next time she sees him.

Considering she didn't want to recount everything to a perfect stranger (okay, she didn't trust any of the other Starfleet therapists, thanks to Mr. Stacy), Nyota decided it was just better to email Dr. Suarez. By the time she got the message, she would be done consulting with a certain ex-boyfriend that she is really mad at.

Because she hadn't checked her personal email since everything went psycho, she had 947 unread messages (324 of those were Op center alerts about the situation at hand). Email hasn't really been a priority in the last week. She had a few messages from her parents that she wasn't planning to return. If they really cared about her, they would actually call.

There was an email from Christine, who had decided to take an assignment and the frontiers of space back in November when her two crushes started dating each other. Christine wanted Nyota to check up on her friend Carol, who was apparently going through a very bad time because she saw her daddy murdered in front of her. (Christine had no idea what had happened with Jim and Spock because they were doing everything in their power to keep that out of the media.) Because Dr. Marcus was a little too 'giggly' around her boyfriend - she means ex-boyfriend - that wasn't going to happen.

There were 12 messages from said ex-boyfriend suggesting she see a therapist or eat something. He didn't need to send her emails because he was driving her absolutely crazy in person. She had four messages from Dr. Suarez. The first one was sent the night before everything fell apart. The next one was asking her how Jim was handling Admiral Pike's death. (That message made Nyota really miss Dr. Suarez, because maybe if she were still on board the ship, Marcus would not have manipulated Jim into playing a key role in his game of 'pissing off the Klingons'.) The last two were much more recent and were sent at the urging of her now ex-boyfriend.

Of all the messages in her inbox, she wasn't expecting a message from Jim that was sent to her several hours after he **died**. That made her so mad that she almost threw her PADD at the bastard. Hot tears pricked her eyes as she read this short message. She wanted to scream, but that would probably bring in one of the nurses or a certain ex-boyfriend that she really didn't want to talk to. She decided her best option was to actually respond to Jim's email (although she did cc Dr. Suarez) because when he woke up the bastard was going to know exactly how mad she was at him.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

CC: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 6/13/2259 17:35:11

Subject: Everything Did Turn Out As Bad As You Thought it Would, You Bastard

Dear Jim:

FUCK YOU

I hate you so much right now, you fucking bastard. You may never read this because you're currently in a coma due to your hero complex. That guy I am not speaking to does not know if you'll ever come out of it. However, you and I both know you're too stubborn to not come back to us, mostly because you're afraid I'll start sleeping with your husband again even though you gave me permission. Regardless, I just want you to know how mad I am at you, and not just for thinking you have the right to tell me I can sleep with your husband again. Although, I guess a coma is an improvement over actually being dead. **You fucking died on me, you dick. **

Just be happy we may be able to cure your suicide by warp core by means that I cannot disclose in an unencrypted email.

What that hell were you thinking? I don't care that you saved us all from dying. **I had to watch you DIE and I couldn't do anything to stop it**. It doesn't get easier the second time around. At least this time it wasn't my good friend sticking an ancient gun in his mouth. At least this time it wasn't a selfish act by a heartbroken man. It still doesn't make it easier. At least thanks to your stupidity, I'm alive to be mad at you. Maybe because of that, someday I will be able to forgive you.

It still doesn't keep me from imagining all the things that could have been done differently, starting with convincing Spock to nerve pinch you when you decided to drag all of us on your little vengeance mission. (Okay, I'm not completely mad at you for that because I think Marcus set you up. There's just something not right about this whole situation.)

Did you think about taking 30 seconds and, I don't know, putting on a radiation suit? You are so reckless. Why are we friends? Right now, I don't know. Really, how did that happen? Oh wait, my best friend is kind of in love with you and I realized that you were never the guy I thought you were. We like the same music and the same old-school movies that require subtitles. We both dealt with truly screwed up families. Of course, the most important thing we have in common is that we both love Spock.

He is the other half of your soul and my best friend. Either of us would do anything to keep him alive and healthy, even when he's doing something crazy like trying to die for the greater good. Such suicidal actions are nobler than blowing your brains out because of boy trouble, but I still hate both of you for putting me through this.

I like how you know that I care about Spock and you're not worried about that. You trust me, and that's more than I can say about that guy that I was dating for nine months before he put his big southern foot in his mouth. I still love the guy; I just sort of hate him too. You're probably the only one I know who really gets that.

I'm worried about Leonard because you dying broke his heart. I'm just too mad right now to talk to him about it. I just don't get it. He suddenly becomes jealous of Spock because I was actually concerned about my BFF attempting suicide by volcano and he gets to make stupid jokes about weapons experts who are not that cute. It's so annoying, but you know he loves you too. You made him cry, more than once. The man didn't even cry when the bitch-that-will-not-be-named would not let Leonard talk to JoJo at Christmas, despite their court-ordered custody agreement. You broke his heart and you broke mine, you bastard. How could you leave us? How could you leave Spock?

Oh, and let us not forget about your brother. He's been here since I told him. He's the only person that has spent more time by your bedside then Spock and well, you guys are sharing a room. That was Dr. Weston's brilliant idea because she thinks that close proximity to you will help repair the psychic damage caused by you dying. Although, Spock still is not conscious yet. You dying literally put him in a coma.

In your annoying little email, that you purposely made sure I would not read until after you killed yourself via recklessness and a warp core, you told me to keep Spock safe and from doing stupid stuff. Considering he's lying in the bed next to you, I don't think I did a very good job. He kind of lost it after you died. I mean, he was a mess after Amanda died, but this time it was like Spock was gone. He tried to kill Khan. The only reason why he didn't kill him was because I stopped him. It almost didn't happen. It was like he didn't hear me. He didn't hear a word I said until I mentioned your name and said that keeping Khan alive was the only way to get you back. We both know that you guys would be miserable without each other.

Even though I hate you right now, I would really like you and/or your husband to be conscious again. If you wake up I might be willing to give in to your 'get back at my boyfriend idiot threesome idea'.

Love, your friend who really fucking hates you at the moment,

Nyota

* * *

"He probably would wake up for a threesome," she heard her ex snort from behind just as she hit the send button.

"You heard me dictating that?" she asked, slightly worried, but not about the last thing she said. Him hearing that part actually made her feel a little better (which was miraculous, considering how miserable she was).

"Only the last few lines," Leonard said, walking to Jim's bed.

"Well, since we broke up, I can have a threesome with anybody I want," she told him with bitterness.

"If it would get Jim to wake up, I would be okay with it," he said, only half joking. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, not looking at her

"No, you're not. Maybe you should call your weapons expert _friend_," she said, shooting him an icy glare.

"I need to run some more test on Briar Rose and his Prince charming with pointy ears," he said, not responding to her barb. "You should go down and get something to eat. Even Kevin left to get food."

"I'm not hungry. Besides, I'm not your concern anymore. I'm fine, anyway," she said, not wanting to leave the room

"You're always going to be my concern. You are not fine. You have barely eaten anything in the last four days and you're sending expletive-filled rants to the comatose. You need to talk to someone that can respond," he told her pointedly.

"I did cc Dr. Suarez. Besides, the bastard deserved it." Leonard just shook his head.

"I need you out of here to take care of a few things. Please go down and eat something," he said, using that tone of voice that Leonard normally reserved for bedroom activities. It was the tone of voice that could get her to do just about anything.

"Fine, but I'm bringing you back up a salad. If I have to eat, so do you," she said in acquiescence. Of course, instead of going straight to the cafeteria she ended up crying/screaming again in the ladies room, but Leonard didn't need to know that.

To be continued

* * *

Sometimes it takes a few weeks to get chapters back and between writing this chapter and getting it back from the fabulous T'Purr, I lost someone important to me. Re-reading this chapter now, I realize that I captured Nyota's anger better than I ever intended.

That is an emotion that I've been feeling a lot in the last few days. To see the major emotion I've been feeling the last few days, check out my therapeutic one shot The Denial Phase. The feedback, condolences, and personal stories I have received on that story so far have been very cathartic. Thank you.

My question to everyone is, do you want Bones and Nyota to work things out or would you like me to go with the pairing behind door number three?

Also, there is a small chance that the next chapter may push the rating up to M. I was trying to hold off on that for at least a few more chapters but the Muse may have other ideas.

Please review. Remember reviews make me wake up at 5 AM before work to do more writing.

_Footnotes: _

_* Marc was Nyota's childhood friend with whom she started the Academy. He committed suicide in spring 2257. Nyota was the one who discovered him. This incident was why she went to extreme measures to keep Spock from self-destructing after Amanda's death, i.e. starting a sexual relationship with him._

_**Dr. Weston is a therapist and mind healer of Vulcan ancestry who studied both human and Vulcan philosophies about the mind. She was the one who discovered that Spock and Jim were accidentally bonded, but forgot to mention this to Spock. She is also married to a human. In addition, she trained Dr. Suarez._


	3. Awakening of Briar Rose with Pointy Ears

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews keep me working on this story at obscenely early times of the day when I probably should be cleaning or sleeping. A lot of you apparently love Bones and Nyota together and somebody needs to be 'the will they or won't they couple' this time around, so expect lots of fun with that couple in this story.

Warning/enticement: there will be sexual content in this chapter. There will actually be a lot more sexual content in this story than in its predecessor, but that would not take much. There is a dirtier version of this chapter on A3O and KS archives. My name is the same on both websites and it can be googled. I wanted to keep this story at teen on FF .net for a few more chapters.

Canon consistency with STID: The first part of the first scene in this chapter takes the place of the Kitty cat twins' scene in the actual movie. Also, because I am a female writer who is an equal opportunist, this chapter contains male nudity, but it's for plot purposes (unlike a certain underwear scene). In my mind Bruno Mars' _Locked Out of Heaven_ will be playing in the bedroom, instead of the Beastie Boys' Body Movin'.

To everyone who felt like the first chapter dropped you in the middle of the story already in progress, that was kind of the point. Almost everything that happened between Pike finding Jim in the bar until Spock captured Khan occurred almost identically to what happened in the actual film. Therefore, I felt no need to write everything out. I'm focusing more on providing a better explanation for why the characters did what they did in the film.

I did something very similar during my rewrite of the first film The Road to Delta Vega is Paved with Good Intentions/You Don't Have To Be My Boyfriend and in my season four rewrite Ugly Betty story Gossip Mode Style. Things that were different will be addressed later on in the story during therapy sessions or by other means. (Also, it's going to be a lot easier to do detailed rewrites of specific scenes once I get my copy of the film via digital download on August 20.) You will get a taste of what I'm planning to do in this chapter. Those of you who've read Starfleet Family Values know I love nonlinear storytelling.

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Awakening of Briar Rose with Pointy Ears**

They had been in their Starfleet appointed housing for 42.3 minutes and should have been unpacking because they were scheduled to stay at least 3.2 weeks. Their stay might be longer depending on the results of Christopher's intervention during the supposedly secret tribunal that had taken place 3.2 hours earlier. (The fact that they were not called in to testify concerned Spock.) James was confident that the worst possible consequence of their violation of the Prime Directive was that Spock would take over responsibilities as Captain of Enterprise and James would become his first officer. Spock was not so certain of that.

James had confidence in Spock's ability as a Captain, but Spock was personally uncertain. When in command previously, he had made decisions that were the most logical and yet not the best decisions in the long run. He was not as good as his James at seeking out a third option. Spock was improving in that area, as shown by his suggestion that they intervene instead of allowing a civilization to be wiped out by volcanic activity. It was Spock's decision to intervene on Nibirans, which Spock had explained in their report that Doctor Cruz had forced the couple to write.

Spock did not like Dr. Cruz at all and was worried about his effectiveness with the crew. He wondered if the man was helping at all. He reminded Spock too much of his judgmental peers. The man was not there to assist those on the crew with emotional or mental issues, but rather his purpose was to report any perceived indiscretion back to Starfleet (which was a direct violation of the man's Hippocratic Oath, in Spock's opinion). Spock's suspicions had proved to be true during the most recent incident. James' suspicion that Starfleet had replaced Doctor Suarez with Doctor Cruz for the sole purpose of 'spying' on the ship proved to be true.

They should have been discussing why they were recalled to earth, but they were not. They should have been discussing why Nyota would be sleeping on their couch, or rather the futon, in the office area for the duration (or until Spock could convince her to speak to her former boyfriend in a nonaggressive manner). Yet, they were not. Other than James' (only half joking) invitation for Nyota to join the couple in the bedroom, nothing was said about that.

Instead, the only unpacking that would probably be accomplished this night would involve the contents of the toiletry bag where Spock placed all their supplies for sexual activities. It was Spock who currently had James against the wall of their bedroom, even if James had initiated this encounter by literally pouncing on Spock the moment the door closed behind the couple. James' shirt was already crumpled on the other side of the room and might no longer be wearable due to Spock's haste in getting it off. James had been trying to get Spock's shirt off without much success when he was pressed against the wall. This was mostly because Spock was holding James down by his wrists again.

"Do not joke about engaging Nyota in coitus," Spock said as he placed his mouth on Jim's neck and bit hard, eliciting a moan of pleasure or possibly pain from his lover.

"I love it when you're mad and go all cave-Vulcan on me. First, I wasn't joking. I've always wanted to try a threesome sober* and she's like the only woman I trust to have sex with you and me. We should really take advantage of Bones' stupidity." That response resulted in James receiving a bite on his shoulder.

"That was an invitation for both of us. The best thing about being Vulcan married is I know all your dirty little sex fantasies. I love the way you think. You have fantasized about having a threesome with your ex more than you should." James accentuated his point by pulling his hands out of Spock's grip and moving them to the part of Spock's anatomy where most blood was flowing to at the moment.

"I believe that is one of your fantasies. You did mention it in one of your letters before we started dating," Spock replied, purposely not giving away how James' touch affected him. Instead, he chose to pull away under the guise of removing his shirt. "You're the one that has the preference for the more risqué," Spock said, before pressing himself against James once more.

"Don't pull that sexually repressed Vulcan shit on me," James replied as he wrapped his hands around Spock's wrists. "You're just as dirty as I am and you're always _up_ for trying new things." At this Jim proceeded to run his fingers over Spock's knuckles before dragging the digits to his open mouth. "You did let me blow you during a conference call with Starfleet leadership, more than once," James said before his lips enveloped Spock's sensitive digits. His bond mate was referring to an incident that had occurred five weeks prior, and it was a blatant example of James' constant attempt to antagonize Starfleet command.

"That was your suggestion. I regret giving in to such behavior. This may be why we're being recalled." James' response was to laugh at his words, or it was as much of an approximation of a laugh as one could achieve while sucking on someone's index finger. Spock could feel the vibrations of James' amusement against his hand before he pulled away to smile at him. James' response was to push him up against the wall again.

"Please, with your perfect Vulcan poker face, no one but Chris had any idea what we were doing. The fact that we are having sex at all is why we're being recalled. They think I did what I did because we are together. The truth is, even if everything had happened in a dimension where we were still at each other's throats half the time and you were still with Nyota, I would have done the same damn thing." James said this as Spock moved his mouth to kiss and suck along Jim's collar bone. "The idiots don't get that because Admiral K is a Dick and honestly, Marcus is just upset that the rules did not change until after they destroyed his marri…"

At that moment, Spock moved up to James' mouth, causing their lips and tongues to clash violently, their bodies slamming back into the wall. At that point, Spock was also reasonably sure that one of the images on the wall fell to the ground. Spock's uncertainty was due to the current movement of James' hands. At some point, they moved from the wall to the bed and the rest of their clothing was scattered around the room. During the enjoyment of each other's company, James' communicator started to chirp. It was obvious that this was Starfleet business and Spock thought he had no choice but to stop and answer it.

"Don't you dare stop! Let the fucking thing ring," James said, pushing Spock back down.

"It is most likely Starfleet trying to contact us," Spock said, pulling away, but he quickly found James' arms and legs constricting around him.

"Don't pick up the communicator. Everything will change. They're going to try to take the ship away from us, but I really don't give a fuck about that. I only care about you. I only love you. They will take you away from me. If you pick up that phone Chris will die and so will I."

As the words fell from James' lips, the scene shifted quickly. They were no longer wrapped around each other in their personal quarters, but rather fully dressed in engineering. James was behind a wall of glass and their fingers were pressed against it as James gave him one final Vulcan kiss. As James took his last breath, everything fell apart. Spock felt as if his heart was ripped out from the inside. Everything went black and then Spock opened his eyes.

* * *

It was a dream, or rather a nightmare, except it was not. Everything was constructed of memories, from the last time he had made love to James before the call that changed everything to James' final declaration of love before he took his last breath. All of it was true.

The idea of living without James made him ill. Spock always knew that it was highly probable that he would outlive his human bond mate unless he actually did perish in something similar to the 'volcano incident'. He would never voice the idea, but he would prefer something like that to the reality of living without his Jim. He never wanted to deal with a life without James, especially not this soon. Yet, this was his reality.

His mind was obviously compensating for James' loss. He could still smell James. It seemed like a part of James was still in his mind when their bond should be in shreds. He could feel the heat of James against him as they curled together on a lazy morning. It almost felt as if their fingers where still entwined in one final kiss.

Spock quickly pulled his hand away, only to realize that he was actually holding someone's hand. Yet it was not just any hand, but rather the hand of his t'hy'la. It was in that moment that Spock registered his surroundings. They were no longer in engineering or even aboard Enterprise. They appeared to be in a hospital room at an unknown Starfleet facility and Spock was lying in bed.

Next to him lay his James. His skin was still warm to the touch. Spock watched mesmerized as his lover pushed air in and out of his lungs. Spock's hands traveled underneath the hem of James hospital gown to his heart. Spock had never experienced greater happiness in his entire existence until he felt James' heart beat against his hand. Spock gave in to his illogical desire to press his ear up against his husband's bare chest so that he could hear the beat of his heart and the flow of his blood. It was the most reassuring sound in the universe.

"It seems like you're Briar Rose and he was your Prince Charming. I can bring you an old-style stethoscope if you still need to prove to yourself that he's alive," Spock heard Doctor McCoy quip from beside him. "I should take a picture. Nobody's going to believe me when I say that you're smiling." Spock quickly schooled his features into his normal mask. He could give in to his elation once Doctor McCoy was out of the room. He was not comfortable showing his emotions in front of the doctor due to recent tension between him and the physician.

"That is not necessary," Spock responded nonplussed. "My enhanced Vulcan hearing allows me to hear James' heart adequately. How is this possible?" Spock remembered nothing between James taking his last breath and now waking up next to a living James.

"What's the last thing you remember?" the doctor asked in a completely professional tone. Yet, Spock could detect worry in his words.

"Being with James in engineering as he…" Spock could not finish that sentence. The doctor knew what he was referring to anyway.

"Fuck, apparently the pointy earred doctor was right!" Doctor McCoy shouted.

"I assume you are referring to Doctor Weston."

"She's the only one of them with any damn sense. She's also a real doctor." Spock decided not to correct him.

"At least that explains why you went off the deep end," the doctor mumbled.

"What is this 'deep end' that you are referring to?" Spock questioned, not because he did not understand the reference, but because he was not entirely sure he was capable of doing what was implied by the term.

"Oh, don't you fucking start. You know damn well what I'm talking about. James died and you went psycho and went after the fucking psychopath responsible for Jim dying in the first place. You even started screaming the guy's name, which is not something sane little Vulcans do. Due to my little animal experiment, I discovered that his blood contains properties that could repair any type of physical damage, even the stuff caused by James' latest plan to save the crew." The doctor closed his eyes for a moment at this.

"Then your crazy _girlfriend_ beamed down by herself to keep you from killing the ass that screwed us over, when she should have taken a damn security team with her. She saved the day and you passed out afterwards. I created a serum to bring James back after we put him in ice storage." He doubted they put James in ice storage, but did not correct the doctor. It was most likely another one of his colorful idioms.

"According to the Vulcan doctor, we were only able to bring James back because he really wasn't that dead. That crazy Vulcan marriage bond kept him among the living, and was most likely why you went unconscious. Unconscious in this case means healing trance." Spock was uncertain how to respond to the doctor's extraordinary tail except to correct his fallacy regarding Spock's relationship with Nyota.

"Nyota is not my girlfriend and has not been for 12 months and… Exactly how long have I been unconscious?" Spock started in his defense before realizing he had no real recollection of time for the first time in his existence.

"Four days. Jimmy has been breathing on his own for the last two. We thought you would've woken up then, but it didn't happen. Weston suggested skin to skin contact and thankfully it worked. Thank God, one of you woke up." The doctor almost seemed happy at that.

"You almost sound concerned, doctor," Spock remarked.

"I think my girlfriend is in love with you and I'm pretty sure that you stole my best friend, but I don't want you dead or unconscious. I'm still your doctor, damn it." Spock was taken aback by the statement.

"As I stated earlier, there is nothing going on between Nyota and myself." Spock chose not to address his statement about James. He was well aware of that he did monopolize James' time. However, the doctor had never requested that James spend additional time with him. James had told Spock that the doctor's jealousy and mistrust were most likely related to his failed marriage to the one James referred to as a "self-righteous bitch" who cheated on Leonard with numerous gentleman. "Do not mistrust Nyota because of the treacherous actions of your former wife," Spock told him bluntly.

"I know she is not my ex-wife, because that coldhearted witch doesn't care about anybody but herself, not even our daughter," Doctor McCoy said with tri-corridor in hand running various scans. "Nyota cares about you. She's been here nearly every hour for the last four days. The only person who's been here more has been me and Jim's brother. I can barely get her to leave to eat or take a damn shower." The doctor growled in frustration as he looked at the screen in front of him.

"The only reason why she's not here now is because I forced her to leave. I didn't want to get her hopes up if Doctor Weston's idea did not work. You don't do that for someone who is just a friend," the man said bitterly, and yet there was underlying concern beneath the apparent gruffness. That seemed the norm with Leonard.

"Nyota once told me that 'Friends stay by their friends' bedside when they're unconscious'," Spock told Leonard, quoting verbatim what Nyota had told him when she waited by his bedside after he fainted because he had discovered that he was accidentally bonded to James. "If things were reversed, James would do the same for you."

"Maybe before you, but not now," the doctor mumbled so low that Spock only heard him because of his enhanced hearing.

"Has James' mother come by to visit?" Spock asked tentatively in an effort to change the subject. James' relationship with his mother was contentious. She was upset at James for joining Starfleet. She was angry that he had convinced his younger brother to follow in his footsteps. She was also unhappy that he was marrying a fellow Starfleet officer because she did not want James to become a bitter widow like her. They've spoken only once and not in person. Spock did not want their first face-to-face meeting to occur after he was unable to prevent James' death (despite the fact it was apparently only temporary).

"No. Kevin has practically lived in that damn chair for the last four days, but Winona hasn't bothered to call. She hung up on Kevin when he tried to tell her. She wouldn't even take Admiral Nhi's calls and the woman just lost her husband a week earlier. You know she was a good friend of Winona's and the one who got her into rehab. They serve together a lot. She felt like Chris would want her to get Winona to be by Jim's bedside." It was obvious that Doctor McCoy was referring to 'Nhi' Pike, although apparently her rise to Admiral had only occurred during Spock's incapacitation, most likely a result of the vast amount of Starfleet leadership killed by Khan. (No one actually knew the admiral's real first name; everyone either referred to her by her nickname of Nhi, which meant little one in ancient Japanese, or Christopher's nickname for her of "Number One".)

At that moment, Nyota and James' brother Kevin walked into the room. He was quickly enveloped in a hug from Nyota. "I knew you were awake. I just felt it," Nyota said as she pulled away only to slap him in the face. "Don't you fucking dare leave me like that again!"

"Oh yeah, really, she's just a friend," Spock heard Doctor McCoy mumble in the background as Kevin looked on slightly bewildered. Spock was more concerned with the fact that he could feel Nyota's inner anguish over his incapacitation and James near-death without physical contact.

To be continued.

* * *

For those of you who have read a lot of my stories, you know I hate writing sex scenes. So if you want me to ever attempt to write another one, please review.

Footnote: In the Dear Spock universe Jim's 'will fuck anything in a skirt" reputation is nothing more than a really nasty rumor. First, he is pansexual. Next, it would be more accurate to say that he made out with a lot of people, but ran away most of the time before it got farther. Including Spock, he has only had sex with 10 people and he was usually drunk at the time. See chapter 7 of Dear Spock for details. You may want to reread this chapter, because this stuff will be coming up again in later chapters.


	4. Poetic Justice of the E-mail Kind

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Remember that reviews let me know what you like and what you don't like. They also give me an incentive to wake up at 5 AM to work on new material.

To those of you who were concerned this story will not end S/K/U (if you're into that sort of thing check out my story Take a Third Option). That doesn't mean I'm not going to have some fun along the way. There was just too much of a threesome vibe in STID to ignore it completely and it may be necessary to crack a few jokes. If you haven't figured it out yet, this story is part satire, but with love.

For those of you who were upset that Nyota never really got in trouble for reading Jim's special e-mails to Spock in the first story, this chapter is for you.

My fabulous beta T'Purr chose the title for this chapter because I couldn't make up my mind.

* * *

Chapter 3: Poetic Justice of the E-mail Kind

She really hates her boyfriend- she means ex-boyfriend. He is such a prick sometimes and she really doesn't know right now why she loves - loved the dick. He's grumpy, pushy, and sometimes he smothers her when he goes in to Doctor Mode. Okay, so maybe she reacted inappropriately by slapping Spock, but that does not give him the right to ban her from Spock's bedside until noon the next day. Spock wasn't mad at her at all, so why should Leonard be?

It is not like he doesn't want to smack Jim upside the head too for what he has put them through for the last almost 5 days. She expects him to have the same reaction when Jim actually wakes up that she did to Spock. He's such a hypocritical bastard.

His exact words were that he wasn't letting her back in until she's had a good night sleep, a shower, and has eaten something non-replicated that did not come from a hospital cafeteria, and then maybe he will consider letting her back into Jim and Spock's hospital room, maybe. This is why she never should have dated a doctor. Again, he was such a hypocrite too, because she just knows he's going to be sleeping in the on-call room again. The guy drives her fucking crazy.

She was assigned temporary quarters, but she just didn't feel like being alone in a tiny room. Instead, she found herself at Jim and Spock's apartment. Everything was as it was haphazardly left over a week ago. Half-open suitcases and discarded clothing covered the apartment. She almost cried when she found Jim's discarded uniform covered in what was most likely Pike's blood. She's only been to the apartment twice in the last 4 ½ days. Both times, just long enough to shower and change uniforms.

She did not have time to think about cleaning. She should have, considering she found the roasted eggplant still in the oven from the dinner that didn't happen. Spock wouldn't let anybody eat until James showed up, then he never did because of what happened in London. She felt it was in her best interest to just throw the dish away too, since it was now its own science experiment. She didn't want to think about that night right now. (Seriously, who came up with that stupid rule of gathering all the captains and first officer's in a room together after a major disaster? Actually, who was the idiot who thought it would be a good idea to have such a meeting in an exterior room with windows?)

There's no edible food in the fridge and she has this rule about eating replicated food when planet-side. That meant takeout and pizza was about the only thing she might be willing to eat, and the place down the street has no qualms about delivering to Starfleet housing after midnight. (The fridge is stocked with vast amounts of wine, beer, and chocolate laced alcohol. So of course she's going to have a glass or four.) She ordered too much food, because she subconsciously forgot that her two best friends are in the hospital and her boyfriend- ex-boyfriend - is probably camped out near their hospital room. She is sure Kevin is still at Jim's bedside because unlike her, Leonard McCoy cannot kick him out because he's actually family.

She sat by herself at the table that was still set for the dinner that didn't happen. Of course, one of the place settings was pushed aside to make room for one of Doctor Suarez's therapy journals. Considering how agitated Spock was the night that everything fell apart, she's not surprised to see this on the table. Spock was not very happy with Jim and he didn't exactly want to talk about what happened in Admiral Pike's office earlier that day.

She knew that they had had a fight because that was the only logical explanation for Jim going off to hide and Jim pretty much confirmed that during their elevator conversation. Okay, a lot of it came out during their 'looking back on it now really inappropriate time' conversation on the way to capture he-who-will-not-be-named. Okay, even she will admit that they should have held off on the conversation until a time when they weren't at risk of being shot at by hostile Klingons. However, she still didn't know the specifics of what happened in Admiral Pike's office beyond the demotion and reassignments. She knew the answers were in the journal in front of her.

After her creative punishment of making her design the Vulcan-language-based encryption key that they plan to never let Starfleet get their hands on, she should have learned not to read things she shouldn't. Jim even promised to give her a taste of her own medicine someday, whatever that means. It hasn't happened yet. So she's not worried. Maybe that's why she opened the therapy journal and started reading anyway. (She blames the wine.)

* * *

June 4, 2259

Dear James:

I will apologize for my abrupt behavior in Pike's office, even if I'm not entirely sure what part of my behavior was so offensive, if you will please return home immediately. By this point in our relationship, we are both aware that we both say things that the other finds offensive and we both have a tendency to react inappropriately. After much meditation and cooking a dinner that I know you will most likely not eat, I realize that many hurtful things you said were only because you are fearful of what will happen if we are to serve on separate ships. I am equally worried about such an outcome. I have been worried about this since our meeting with Doctor Cruz. However, I have been unable to discuss or even write about this fear until now.

After you left, I spoke to the Admiral about other options. I do not want to serve on a ship without you. If this means I must give up my position as first officer, I would be willing to do so. I do not care about my career in Starfleet. I care about you and I am uncertain if I can perform adequately on a ship without you.

Christopher informed me that that may not be necessary. According to Starfleet regulation 49.6.B, we have the right to contest the decision made by Admiral Marcus at his tribunal, especially in light of the fact that we were not allowed to defend ourselves or even question Doctor Cruz's report. Admiral Pike shared with me his copy of Doctor Cruz's findings and at best he has only provided negative examples of how our relationship has affected our ability to lead while omitting the more numerous positive examples. At worst, his report contains malicious lies for purposes unknown. I believe the latter to be true, unfortunately. We have an appointment at 0900 hours with the lawyer that represented Admiral Pike and his wife when Starfleet tried to separate the couple. I will fight this because I wish not to be without you.

* * *

She stopped reading because she was crying again. She hated crying. She has done way too much crying in the last few weeks, and she really doesn't want to think about the fact that their new Admiral is another Pike, who is trying to do the logical thing despite the fact that her husband died a little more than a week ago. She doesn't want to think about whether Spock will behave the same way if Jim does not wake up soon. Nyota just wants things to be okay again.

She goes back to trying to eat, but she just manages to eat the chicken off of her salad and two bites of pizza. That's still better than yesterday. She finds herself picking up the journal again, against her better judgment. She comes across the entry after the incident that started this entire mess, but she can't bring herself to read it. Instead she turns back to the happier times of right after the engagement. She would give anything for her biggest problem to be talking Jim out of a quickie Vegas style wedding with Pike officiating. (She would give anything for Christopher Pike to be able to officiate at the wedding.)

* * *

May 7, 2259

Dear James:

I had tea with my father while you were having lunch with my other self. (I am uncertain if I want to know what his reaction was to our upcoming marriage.) Unlike your mother, Sarek is pleased with our decision to marry in the human tradition. Unlike your mother, he is aware that, by Vulcan standards, we are already joined. Although similar to your mother, he did express his concerns over what would happen if one of us were to die or rather, if you were to die. He is worried about our difference in life expectancy. Your mother is only concerned with me dying and leaving you much like your father did her, due to the dangerous nature of our occupation. After losing my mother so unexpectedly, I think Sarek is afraid of what will happen to me if I were to lose you. (Surprisingly, my father was able to express this in a less abrasive manner than your mother.) I understand his objections. I think that my greatest fear is watching you die and being unable to prevent it.

* * *

Nyota's response to reading those lines was to throw up everything that she barely managed to eat in the first place. It's what she deserves for reading something she shouldn't have read in the first place.

At least she now had a better idea of why Winona Kirk was avoiding everybody's calls. Spock inferred that Winona objected to their marriage because she was afraid of Jim becoming a Starfleet widower. She hadn't contemplated the possibility that it could have been the other way around, or maybe she had. Nyota knew that both she and Jim had pretty screwed up relationships with their parents. She felt like her parents forgot that she existed most of the time. It wasn't like they even bothered to actually raise her. They cared more about Starfleet than her.

Jim's problem stemmed from the fact that his mom was screwed up and she blamed 99% of her personal issues on Starfleet. Right now she resented Jim for joining an organization that took so much from her.

The irony is not lost on Nyota that they both joined the organization responsible for taking away any possibility of the two having a normal childhood. Of course, they didn't join the Starfleet that is filled with people like Admiral Marcus, who go rogue and build warships, or where captains have to sacrifice their lives to save their crew because of the unintended consequences of a war monger being in charge. In her case, at least, she joined the Starfleet in the brochure with its promise of discovering new worlds and languages. That's what she wanted, and it wasn't like she was planning on having a family or getting married someday, so she wouldn't leave her own kids behind like her parents had done with her. (She wasn't planning on falling in love with snarky doctors either, but whatever.)

It was scary that of the three of them, Spock actually had the best relationship with his parents, or rather parent, now that Amanda was deceased. Unlike Winona, Sarek has been calling her to check on Spock every couple of hours since he was first notified of what happened. This is despite the fact that he is supposed to be in the middle of major negotiations on Babel.

She should call him, or rather email him, considering that it was 3 AM his time. Of course, this meant opening her email again. At least she didn't receive any more stupid emails from Jim from beyond the sort-of-grave. Instead, there was a message from Spock's father asking her to have Spock call him in the morning now that he has regained consciousness. Apparently, Leonard already informed the ambassador of the improvement in Spock's condition. Leonard apparently also informed Doctor Suarez of a certain incident that happened after Spock woke up this afternoon. That was obvious from the subject line of her email message.

* * *

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: UhuraNX

Subject: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/13/2259 22:12:11

I was going to write you anyway after being BCC'd on your 'therapy' email to our favorite comatose captain. Considering you hugged and then slapped your ex-boyfriend as soon as he woke up from a four day coma, I think we really need to talk. Thanks to the fact that I know several ambassadors and one of my good friends just became an admiral because she lost her husband due to an act of terrorism and Starfleet stupidity, I'm able to get to Earth earlier than expected.

Technically, I'm being recalled because our friend Stacy Cruz made a bigger mess of things than expected and I'm being brought in to clean things up. If I had known he was going to do this, I never would have left or vouched for him. I should have just agreed to be a private contractor instead of re-enlisting.

Because of your little outburst, you have homework. I hope that you brought your therapy journal with you because you're going to be writing a bunch of letters. First, I want you to write Spock an apology for slapping him. Actually, you don't have to use your therapy journal for that one, because you should probably send it. If you want to write a version that is too explicit to actually send to Spock you can do that one in your therapy journal before you write the message you intend to actually send.

Next, I want you to write another letter to Jim. Don't send this one. Also, please don't promise him a threesome. That alone makes me think that maybe your boyfriend isn't just paranoid and maybe you and Spock still have a few things you need to work out. We're going to need to talk about that when I get planet-side because I think that conversation is going to be too complicated for email.

Finally, you need to write the boyfriend and tell him exactly what you're thinking, instead of telling everybody else why he's driving you crazy. I'm still calling him your boyfriend because this isn't a break-up but rather an ongoing fight. Again, don't send this message, but just get your thoughts together.

When I know exactly when I'm getting to Earth, I will email you with an appointment time.

* * *

Nyota felt she had no choice but to respond to that email and quickly started dictating.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:12:11

See, this is why I'm mad at Leonard: he can't mind his own business. I can't believe he told you about me slapping Spock. Do I have to do this ridiculous project? Why can't I send the letter to Leonard? Like I told the therapist that my parents made me see in high school, if I'm going to go through the effort of dictating a letter, I should actually send it.

Okay, I realize that physical violence is bad and we are probably going to end up in best friend therapy again like last time, but he deserved it. First, he almost died on me. No, it was worse than that. It was suicide by volcano. Volcano! He kept saying it was for the greater good and that we're supposed to follow the stupid regulations. I hate those fucking regulations. They're so stupid. This entire nightmare happened because of those stupid regulations and because Dr. Cruz is a Starfleet lackey and a moron. I'm not surprised that they're 'technically' recalling you because of the mess he made. This is all his fault. Now, he is the person I really wanted to smack.

Then after Jim - I can't even talk about it. Spock just lost it and he went after the guy responsible for what happened. I was so scared, but I couldn't stop him from doing so, even if I wanted to. At the time, I think I was too caught up in my own anger to try. I was terrified. I couldn't save him from himself. I couldn't reach him, not until I said Jim's name.

When Spock went out, for a moment, I thought he was dead. I thought I had lost everything. Jim was gone, Leonard was being a prick, and for that one moment I thought Spock was gone too. I hated that moment. I don't want to be alone. I don't think I can handle it.

* * *

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: UhuraNX

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:21:35

Why do I have this feeling that you sent your high school therapist into early retirement? Considering what I just read, you really need to write those letters and we are meeting as soon as I get on planet.

I don't want you to send your message to Leonard because I think you'll be more honest with yourself if you know he's not going to see what you write. Right now you need to be honest with yourself.

Why are you mad at Leonard? Why are you so upset at Spock? Why are you mad at Jim? Why are you still up at 1:20 AM planet time writing me these emails? Why are you unable to sleep? Why have you been practically living in Jim and Spock's hospital room until their doctor kicked you out? Why have you been unable to eat?

You need to answer these questions for yourself before you give the answers to anyone else, including me. The purpose of this exercise is for you to gather your thoughts. This is just a tool to do so.

* * *

Okay, so that response annoyed her and led to her sending a message that she will probably regret in the morning.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:29:51

I can't sleep because about five days ago I watched my best friend's husband die in front of me, and then I watched him go off the deep end because of the consequences of some psycho Admiral and his pet science project trying to murder us all. I am mad at my **ex-boyfriend** because he doesn't trust me not to have sex with my ex - Spock. I realize Leonard may see the teeniest bit of sexual tension between me and Spock. When you compare it to what is going on between Jim and Spock, it's negligible. It's like comparing the light from the moon to the light that comes from the sun. If we were both the same gender, most people wouldn't even notice it, but because we're a guy and girl, people are going to see things that aren't there. I just didn't expect Leonard to do that. I'm not sure if he really loves me, because it's obvious he doesn't trust me. I can't stay with a guy that doesn't trust me.

PS: I did have half a slice of pizza and half a chicken salad. See, I'm eating.

* * *

Nyota felt no need to let her therapist know that she didn't exactly keep that food down, or that she really hasn't been eating in general for the last four, almost 5 days.

* * *

From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: UhuraNX

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:37:39

See, this honesty exercise is already working.

Also, how much of that did you actually keep down?

* * *

Okay, she really missed her high school therapist who was a complete idiot and never picked up on anything. Doctor Suarez knows her too well. This is probably the only reason why Nyota feels comfortable being honest with the woman. If she were dealing with Doctor Cruz, she would be lying through her teeth right now. Actually, if this exchange were happening with Doctor Cruz, she would have deleted the first message without bothering to reply. God, she hated that man.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Subject: RE: We need to set up an appointment.

Time sent: 6/14/2259 01:41:18

You are like the worst therapist ever. I can't keep anything from you. Why can't you be as incompetent as my high school therapist or Dr. Cruz? Fine, I will do the stupid therapy project.

* * *

Since Dr. Suarez left the ship, her therapy journal has been buried somewhere deep in her closet or possibly Leonard's closet. Half of her things were there any way because she spent most nights in his room. It made sense since of the two, he was the one most likely to get dragged out of his room in the middle the night and people sort of needed to know where the ships CMO was at all times. She wasn't going to write in Spock's therapy journal, because that would be an invasion of his privacy. Also, doing that would probably tell him that she was reading it in the first place. That meant braving the inherent dangers of doing it digitally, which she wanted to avoid after the entire Jim/Spock email fiasco. She actually looked in their bedroom to see if she could find a blank therapy journal, but she couldn't find one. After 10 minutes of looking, she decided to just write an email and save it. She doubted that Jim's special little glitch would auto forward emails from her inbox.

Therefore, she lay down on the freshly made bed and started writing the easiest email of all, the one to Spock.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: SpockX

**Time written: **6/14/2259 2:10:54

Subject: Sorry I slapped you but I don't like the thought of losing you

So apparently I have incurred the wrath of Dr. Suarez and I have **Therapy homework, **even though she is still on the Vulcan colony, thanks to any number of the members of the 'Powers that fuck with us and absolutely hate us'. Is it wrong that I hope most of those admirals are now dead? (Unfortunately, K was one of the survivors.) I'm not sure.

The first thing I'm supposed to do is write you this apology. I probably would've apologized to you eventually. I know I shouldn't slap you, especially after what happened last time. I'm not looking forward to more therapy sessions.

I'm still mad at you for the volcano incident. Maybe if we weren't ambushed by Klingons, I would have told you that I don't buy that bullshit that you told me and Jim back then. You're my best friend, I know you too damn well and I just know your actions were based on another type of fear. Maybe you're afraid that Jim will do something stupid and kill himself more permanently then he actually did, or maybe you're afraid that he will eventually lose interest and therefore you're trying not to feel anything because you're afraid of feeling everything. Okay, so maybe I now know this because I sort of looked at your therapy journal, but you did leave it on the table. Even though your husband is still in a coma, at least he cares about you and trusts you. Jim doesn't think we're screwing, unlike a certain grumpy doctor that will remain nameless.

Why does everybody think we're sleeping together when we are just friends? Actually, it's kind of funny because, before the official announcement that you and Jim are getting married, at least a third of the crew still thought you guys were just friends who happen to spend a lot of time around each other and touch each other constantly.

Really, some people are clueless. I guess I just thought Leonard knew me better than that. I didn't think he would believe all the silly rumors. It also feels like he's making me choose between you and him and, well, I chose you. You are my best friend. You get me the way no one else does. I thought I could have that with Len. I thought maybe this time I found a boyfriend who could be my friend and lover. You came close, but as I told Dr. Suarez, it was like comparing the sun to the moon. What you and Jim have is explosive and what you and I have is the basis for a lifelong friendship. Is it wrong that I hope someday I find what you have with Jim? I want that. I thought I had it and I didn't. Maybe that's why I am so mad. I don't know.

Considering your husband is still in a coma, I don't think I should send you this message right now (especially because I told you about reading your therapy journal). I'll write something short in the morning.

Maybe tomorrow I should just bring your favorite cookies or chocolate. I should probably bring chocolate, but that would mean actually emailing a certain stupid ex-boyfriend of mine to find out if you can have chocolate. So I guess it's going to be apricot cookies for you.

Love, Nyota

PS: I mean that platonically, although I would do a threesome if I thought it would get Jim to wake up.

PPS: No, I don't want to have a threesome just to piss off Leonard.

PPPS: Okay, maybe I do want to piss the ass off a little.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time written: 6/14/2259 2:35:01

Subject: At least your husband is conscious now.

Okay, never smack somebody in front of somebody that will blab the entire incident to our psychiatrist. I have therapy homework. She's a little cruel sometimes.

I still can't sleep, so I'm writing you this email that I hope you will get to read as soon as you wake up, even if I'm not supposed to actually send it to you. I really don't know what to say, except I'm still mad at you. Your 'final' email to me was a very shady thing to send.

Maybe I am less stressed out now because Spock is up. Although, I have a feeling your death has affected him more than it has me. Spock wouldn't take his hand off your chest for the entire 30 minutes that I was actually allowed to speak with him before my stupid ex-boyfriend kicked me out.

Just wake up. We all kind of need you, especially Spock.

* * *

Nyota actually did almost send that letter. But in the end she saved it. Now she was left to write the hardest letter and the easiest. After 10 minutes and finding something non-explicit in Jim's extensive music collection, she finally started to dictate.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: McCoyL

Time written: 6/14/2259 2:54:43

Subject: You are an asshole but I still kind of love you anyway, sometimes.

Why did I fall love with you? I don't know right now. You're a dick. My best friend wakes up from a coma after four days and you kick me out after 30 minutes. We're not together right now but you act like you always are doing what's best for me when you don't know what's best for me, you just think you know what's best for me. But you don't. I need to be there.

It's not like I'm actually sleeping. The little bit of food I actually did eat came right back up when I accidentally discovered that his biggest fear was watching Jim die and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Unfortunately, that fear came true and I had to watch. Yes, you had to declare your best friend dead. I had to watch him die. I had to watch somebody die again, Leonard. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch somebody you love take that last breath in front of you? Unlike you, I'm not trained to deal with that sort of thing.

Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I keep reliving that moment over and over again. Sometimes it's not Jim. Sometimes, I'm seeing Marc behind the glass. Other times, I see you.

That's what hurts me the most, watching you die. I don't know if I could survive that. Maybe it's better to just let go now. It's not like you feel the same way about me.

Why don't you trust me? Spock is like a Kinsey five. If we were not such great friends and he wasn't completely emotionally numbed by his mother's death, I'm pretty sure nothing would have happened. Back then it was just sex. Good sex, but just sex. Emotionally, we are closer now. That doesn't really matter because you still think something is going on. You think that I will leave you for Spock.

Maybe the better question is not why you don't trust me, but why are you afraid of my relationship with him? Why are you making me choose? I don't have an answer to that question and I don't think I'm ready to ask you about it. I'm not sure if I want to. Maybe I should just cut my losses, I don't know. I love you, but I still think you're an asshole.

* * *

By the end of the email she's crying again. But she feels more at ease than she has in days, enough that she actually falls asleep before she has time to think about leaving the all too comfortable bed for her futon.

* * *

**November 12, 2258**

Jim was slowly getting used to the concept of having a boyfriend or bondmate or whatever. It was weird, especially because of the lack of sex and all the arguing, but Jim was adjusting. Okay, the therapy session where they were hitting each other with giant foam sticks helped a lot. Having his own personal Vulcan pillow to lay his head on as he was working on his perfect revenge for Nyota reading his personal emails is nice. Making her come up with a decent encryption key that the idiots in command can never figure out wasn't quite enough. She did invade his privacy, even if she did help him and Spock get together. Of course, maybe Jim was a little too happy and he totally forgot that Spock can pick up on his emotions, even without skin to skin contact. He still wasn't sure how he felt about that yet.

"What are you planning to do to Nyota?" Spock asked, looking up from the journal article that Jim knew he had been reading.

"I'm just giving her a taste of what she did to me. I don't like people reading my personal thoughts. You're different, because it's you. I just want her to know what it's like, so she will learn not to do that again," Jim said with a grin.

"I'm not sure that's possible," Spock mumbled under his breath. "You're not hacking into her personal email account?" Spock punctuated his question with the rise of one eyebrow.

"Of course not," Jim said with faux innocence. "I am just reprogramming Outlook 2257 to auto forward any messages that she writes to you or me that she doesn't actually send to us at 6 AM each morning. See, I'm all done now." Jim could feel Spock wasn't sure what he thought of Jim's creative punishment, although he did agree that it was unfair for her to abuse her privileges to read Jim's private thoughts. Those emotions were coming through loud and clear, even without the Spock version of a glare. Vulcan marriage was weird. It was probably best that Jim didn't tell Spock, but he also programmed Outlook to forward any messages that Nyota wrote to Bones but never actually sent to him.

"You should have consulted with me before you devised this punishment. Nyota usually sends her therapy emails herself. You should reset her account to its normal settings," Spock said out loud.

"Okay, that's so unfair," James pouted. Of course, he didn't do this for long, because in seconds Spock was biting his lip. When he felt Spock's tongue in his mouth, he kind of forgot all about certain communications officers who are too nosey for their own damn good, and he never bothered to actually reset her account.

* * *

To be continued

Some may be mad at me because there's a chance that the next chapter won't be done until after STID is available via digital download. If I stick to my outline, I'm going to need to have access to the movie to rewrite a couple of scenes for the next chapter. When you factor in proofreading, that most likely means a new chapter will not be ready until September. Of course, I could totally change my mind and put that stuff later in the story. It depends on my muse and if I'm convinced otherwise.


	5. I am an asshole

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Sorry about the lag between updates, but it was necessary for me to wait until the film was available digitally so I could re-watch certain scenes over and over again. It made for inspired writing, no matter what. The more I watch, the more I like the film.

I am once again shocked by how well STID fits into the Dear Spock Universe, the best example is Nyota's reaction to Bones almost getting blown up by the torpedo. It was on par with her reaction to Spock in the volcano. I'm not changing anything with what happened on Nibiru. The way Nyota behaved around Spock still works perfectly for what I want. Jim and Spock acted so much like a married couple it was kind of scary. They definitely acted like two people who were in love with each other, especially the way they looked at each other. Honestly, the only things that does not fit at all, are the Kitty cat twins incident and Spock being the one to blab about what happened on Nibiru and, well, I've already changed that in this story.

I wrote two chapters back to back to make up for the long wait. I felt inspired.

* * *

Chapter 4: I am an asshole (but I'm not going to tell you that).

Leonard is uncertain if this is a dream or maybe a memory, but he doubts this is his present reality. It's the evening after the incident on Nibiru and he has had to listen to various staff members repeat various pieces of supposedly juicy gossip regarding his girlfriend's reaction to Commander Spock's stupid stunt in the volcano. Really, he thought that Jim being Vulcan-married to the damn computer would result in Jim being less reckless, not the hobgoblin starting to take on some of Jim's more ridiculous bad habits. Although in true Spock fashion, he was more worried about Jim violating the Prime Directive to save him than his own safety. He doesn't care what Jim says, he knows for a fact that the computer would have left Jim in the volcano to die if roles were reversed.

While Jim and Spock were arguing like the old married couple that they actually were in the transporter room, he was told that his girlfriend was visibly shaking. He knew that she was upset and concerned. The hobgoblin was supposedly her best friend now that they were no longer dating. Of course, the rumor going around the ship was that she was so upset about the volcano thing because she was still in love with Spock and was trying to get him back from Jim. The second part was an outright lie, but the first part was possible. It was made more plausible by the fact that Leonard witnessed her scream at the Vulcan once the day was saved and they were away from everyone else. He came in at the end of that argument because his supposed best friend was upset at him for stating the unfortunate truth about his husband's obsession with the fucking rules.

Not that he doesn't like the hobgoblin, it's just that Jim and possibly Nyota are so in love with him that they can't see any of his faults. The Vulcan still keeps everybody at arm's length, even after several months of therapy. Hell, it's getting worse now that the idiot Cruz is in charge. (Leonard is already trying to think of a way to get that guy away from his patients before he gets somebody killed with his incompetence.) Leonard is really tired of hearing about the great Spock, especially from his lovesick best friend and girlfriend. Okay, his girlfriend is currently not singing the praises of her 'He really is just a friend'. She is currently cursing him out for what he put her through. It was not lost on him that Jim said some of the same things. Actually, it made him more inclined to believe that she wasn't over her ex.

After the disaster that was his first marriage, maybe he should know not to confront her right now. But considering his first marriage ended because his wife was screwing her supposed best friend, Leonard felt like he had no choice but to confront her about it.

"You know, all that work on Vulcan marriage customs that I was doing on New Vulcan before we got called away for this mission was not for me. Spock is my best friend and he is Vulcan-married to your best friend. Considering you are listening to idle ship gossip, I doubt that I will be planning my wedding anytime soon," she told him with bitterness in her voice. Of course at the time he completely missed her implication that the only person she wanted to marry was him.

"It's a good thing I don't believe in marriage anymore." It's not until later that he became aware of the flicker of pain in her eyes at that moment. "I did not need to hear the latest ship gossip to know that you're still in love with your best friend. I just listened to you screaming about what an idiot he is for the last 15 minutes, after you cursed him out in person for picking up his husband's stupidity streak. You were falling apart on the bridge when everything was going down. Jim is Spock's husband and he was holding it together better than you were." It was the truth. Okay, he has known Jim long enough to know that the man was panicking on the inside and was desperate to find any way to get Spock out safely, regardless of the consequences.

"Live through having your best friend die in your arms and see how well you react to the possibility of having to go through it again, you coldhearted prick," she screamed at him, referring to the Marc incident.

"Jim is my best friend. Between his stupidity and the allergies, that pretty much happens on a daily basis," he retorted.

"Suicide is different." He tried to put an arm around her, but she just pushed him away.

"Do you really think you're going to get sex right now?" she yelled with an angry glare.

"I'm well aware that's not going to happen, I was married once before," he screamed back at her. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about the fact that you're still in love with your ex-boyfriend."

"Yes, I love Spock."

"I knew it," he said, cutting her off before she could actually continue.

"Like you love Jim, not how Jim loves Spock," she told him, rolling her eyes.

"I've never slept with Jim," he shot back at her.

"Oh my God, that was almost a year ago, for only a few weeks, under some very screwed up circumstances. It's not that big of a deal. It's not like you came into this relationship a virgin either, considering you have a daughter that I actually like. Are you jealous of Spock?" she asked incredulously.

"No, I am not jealous of the hobgoblin. My ex had a guy best friend who was supposedly just the best friend until I caught the two fucking in our bed. There's an old saying back home, 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me'."

"Except, I'm not trying to fool you," she said defensively. "I'm not the bitch who broke your heart."

"I know that," he shot back at her.

"I don't think you do. You don't trust me and I can't stay in a relationship where you don't trust me. I'm done," she said, walking away from him.

"Where are you going?" Leonard asked.

"Supposedly to give my best friend a blow job, because according to the ship rumor mill that you trust more than me, I'm the ship slut who only has her position because she spreads her legs for everyone in command. Since we are not together anymore I can do whatever and whoever the hell I want. So, fuck you!"

* * *

His eyes open at the memory of her angry words. Okay, his eyes open at the sound of his alarm. It was 6:01 AM and he had patients to see other than Jim and Spock. Every single trauma center on the West Coast was inundated with survivors. If it wasn't for the ability to transport the survivors directly out of the fallen buildings destroyed by a ship falling from the sky, the casualties would be significantly higher. He was still dealing with the survivors from Enterprise herself, with the rest of his medical staff helping with the general recovery effort.

Leonard is thankful that the alarm woke him up this time before the dream could. At least it was not his subconscious remembering the sight of Jim's lifeless body on the table or their last real argument. Yet, the dream was still painful for many different reasons now because in retrospect, he realizes that Nyota was right. The most painful moment of his life was seeing Jim on the table and knowing that he couldn't do anything. But he will never tell her that because maybe he does now agree that you can love a friend that deeply, but he's just not sure that's the case with her and Spock, especially in light of the good Vulcan doctor's theory about how Nyota was able to reach Spock during the middle of his homicidal nervous breakdown. Leonard refuses to go through the disaster that was his marriage ever again.

He tries to forget about Nyota as he gets ready for the day, but it's hard considering she's the only reason why he has an extra set of clothing at the hospital. He has been to his Starfleetprovided apartment one time during the last four days and that was just long enough to see that the place was still there and to grab a few things. He showers and has just enough time to choke down an energy bar before doing his morning rounds. His patients are fine. Most will be discharged either today or tomorrow.

Even Spock could be discharged today because his tests are coming out perfectly normal, for a human-Vulcan hybrid, anyway. But he at least wanted to wait until the Vulcan mind doctor has time to look at him. The fact that the Vulcan woke up with his head on Jim's chest and kept his hand near his husband's heart during the course of the entire checkup did not point to the best of mental health. Neither is the fact that the guy is on a cocktail of anti-depression drugs. It's a sad situation when you have to give anti-depressants to a Vulcan.

He finds Kevin sleeping in the chair next to Jim's bed again. He's been there every night. Half the time Nyota was in the other chair, but she was never asleep. He wanted to throw the kid out too last night but the guy was legally Jim's brother and he couldn't do that, not yet anyway. Technically, he couldn't throw Nyota out either because Spock named her his medical proxy. (Jim was primary, but the man was in a coma, so it didn't matter.) She needed rest, and therefore he acted in her best interest because it was obvious she would not. Actually, she needed a lot of things, but most of all she needed to be out of the hospital room. It was killing her from the inside.

Of course, he knew her too well and knew she would be back by 10, if not earlier. He might as well have her bring food and a change of clothes for the kid. Really, that was the only reason why he grabbed his personal PADD to email her. He shot off the message before reading the other 2000 messages that he hasn't really gotten to over the last few days. Trying to keep people from dying usually made reading his email a very low priority. Unless they were from his baby JoJo he usually didn't bother to open it, unless it was something important. The message from Doctor Suarez telling him she talked to Nyota and assigned her writing therapy fell in that category, along with the message from Spock's father. As far as he was concerned, Starfleet can call if they needed his attention so damn badly.

There was also a message from Nyota from 6 AM that just proved to him that she probably didn't sleep at all last night. That would not surprise him. She has not slept more than two hours at a time during the last four days.

He's not surprised that her subject line refers to him as an asshole. She called him worse when he kicked her out last night. It's the confession of love that stopped him cold. During the nearly 9 months that they have been together, he has never heard the words from her. It never bothered him because his cow of an ex-wife used to say the words all the time and they never meant anything. Okay, that is a fucking lie. It did bother him, especially because she so freely admitted to being in love with Spock (supposedly as just a friend, yeah right), but has yet to say the words to him out loud. Maybe if she said the damn words to him, he wouldn't be so insecure about her relationship with Spock. He doesn't know what to make of the fact that she said it in an email in combination with her calling him an asshole.

The tone of the message is strange. It reminds him of that letter that Jim wrote to his brother Sam that he came across accidentally that resulted in Jim not speaking to him for days. Dr. Suarez did say that Nyota was supposed to write a few therapy letters. Of course, the Doctor said that she wasn't supposed to actually send the letters. But when did his girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – ever do what she is supposed to do? God, she's almost as bad as Jim and just as stubborn.

He continues to read anyway, because whatever she decided to write him, he probably needs to read it.

_XXXXx_

_Why did I fall love with you? I don't know right now. You're a dick. My best friend wakes up from a coma after four days and you kick me out after 30 minutes. We're not together right now but you act like you always are doing what's best for me when you don't know what's best for me, you just think you know what's best for me. But you don't. I need to be there._

xxxx

There's also a word missing in the first sentence. So that could point to her being drunk. That could explain her sending something like this. Oh hell, he heard the letter that she dictated to Jim when she was completely sober. If she was angry enough she would send him something like this. Her sending him an angry rant about him kicking her out of the hospital seems like a possibility. She called him a dick three times before she actually left the hospital. Personally, he was shocked that he did not have to call security.

_XXX_

_It's not like I'm actually sleeping. The little bit of food I actually did eat came right back up when I accidentally discovered that his biggest fear was watching Jim die and not being able to do a damn thing about it._

_XXX_

Shit! Leonard doesn't know what worries him more, the fact that she is unable to eat or sleep or the fact that she probably took another peek at Spock's therapy journal. Although, if such a thing were true, he's making the right call with not releasing Spock until the special Vulcan doctors arrive. He has gotten good at treating the Vulcan body over the last year, but he's not even going to try to touch the Vulcan mind. He's already seen the guy go off the deep end twice in the last 14 months; he doesn't want to see it again.

xxxx

_Unfortunately, that fear came true and I had to watch. Yes, you had to declare your best friend dead. I had to watch him die. I had to watch somebody die again, Leonard._

_XXX_

He found out about that yesterday when he heard her angry rant to Jim. No one knew that she watched Jim die. Mr. Scott said that she did not arrive to engineering until after Jim - until after Jim stopped breathing. Apparently, she arrived earlier than anyone noticed. He knew just seeing Jim's body like that would be a trigger for anybody, but he knew it would be worse for her and would most likely trigger flashbacks to the Marc situation. Hell, he already knew that the volcano incident was triggering flashbacks.

xxx

_Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch somebody you love take that last breath in front of you? Unlike you, I'm not trained to deal with that sort of thing._

xxxx

Those words made him angry. He is not some unfeeling machine, unlike her BFF. It is never easy on him when a patient dies. It was always worse when it was a little kid because the situation would always make him think about his baby JoJo. Mostly working with adults was one of the reasons why he found Starfleet appealing, despite having to work in the disease infested darkness of space.

Contrary to what she thinks, he did have to watch somebody he loved die, his own father. Worst of all, he was the one that ordered that he be taken off of life support. (He was glad that Jim is now breathing on his own because he never wants to make that decision again.) Of course, his girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – probably didn't know that. He is not entirely sure if he ever told her.

XXX

_Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I keep reliving that moment over and over again. Sometimes, it's not Jim. Sometimes, I'm seeing Marc behind the glass. Other times, I see you._

_XXX_

Those lines surprise him, but not as much as they should have. After he kicked Nyota out of Spock's room, but before he had the good sense to sedate the hobgoblin, he may have said something about her strong reaction to Spock almost dying. The hobgoblin just had to tell him about how she acted on the bridge when he almost got blown up by the torpedo. Of course, the hobgoblin also had to point out how upset she was with him flirting with Dr. Marcus. That may have been his retaliation for all the rumors about her kissing Spock after they returned from arresting the sociopathic superman. Unfortunately, the hobgoblin confirmed that it was a quick peck to the cheek with no hand contact which contradicted what the rumor mill (i.e., Jim) said, which makes him feel like an even bigger ass.

He understands her words all too well. He keeps having that same nightmare. Instead of Jim being in the body bag, it's her. That's his greatest fear.

_XXx_

_That's what hurts me the most, watching you die. I don't know if I could survive that._

_XXX_

He understands what she is saying, because he couldn't survive it either. Those moments when he thought Jim was gone for good practically tore him apart. He doesn't know what he would do if it was her. Again, he thinks about what Spock told him last night. She was afraid of him dying. He feels so stupid about his jealousy now, but again, he would never tell her that.

_XXX_

_Maybe it's better to just let go now. It's not like you feel the same way about me._

_XXX_

Those words made him feel like a fool, more than before. He was upset at her earlier for never saying I love you, but he never exactly said the words either. Half the time he's not sure why he has never said the words to her. He's not even sure he believes in love anymore. He loved 'she who will not be named' and that turned out to be a disaster in the end.

_xxxx_

_Why don't you trust me? Spock is like a Kinsey five. If we were not such great friends and he wasn't completely emotionally numbed by his mother's death, I'm pretty sure nothing would have happened. Back then it was just sex. Good sex, but just sex. Emotionally, we are closer now. That doesn't really matter because you still think something is going on. You think that I will leave you for Spock._

_XXX_

In a weird way her words are ironic, because she has left him for Spock, but not in the way he was insinuating when they broke up. Spock matters more to her than he does and Leonard hates that. He already lost Jim to the hobgoblin, he doesn't want to lose her too, but he already has.

_XXX_

_Maybe the better question is not why you don't trust me, but why are you afraid of my relationship with him? Why are you making me choose? I don't have an answer to that question and I don't think I'm ready to ask you about it. I'm not sure if I want to. Maybe I should just cut my losses, I don't know. I love you, but I still think you're an asshole._

_XXx_

Her words make him want to laugh and cry simultaneously, which is quite a feat. Leonard is about to hit the reply button until he notices the message below that one that completely shocks him. Not because of the subject line of "poetic justice of the email kind" but because that email was sent to him from a guy who was still in a coma the last time he checked 35 minutes ago.

_XX_

_From: KirkJT_

_To: McCoyL_

_Time sent: 6/14/2259 6:00:01_

_Subject: poetic justice of the email kind_

_If you're getting this message, then that means that your love Nyota has finally activated my revenge for her reading all my personal emails. Any time she writes you an email that she does not plan to send, this program will auto forward it to you at 6 AM._

_ Happy reading, Bones._

_xxxx_

Fuck, that explains what he just read from Nyota. She actually had no intention of him ever seeing that email, but Jim being the dick that he was — is, decided to set up his special crazy brand of computer glitch in his girlfriend's email account.

"If you weren't already in a coma, I would put you in one," he mumbles to no one in particular.

"Who are you talking to?" he hears Nyota say as she walks into the room.

"Jim," he replies, without even thinking.

"Shouldn't you at least be in the same room with him when you curse his existence? I find it more effective that way," she quips.

"It works better this way. I'm less tempted to actually strangle him if he is not within range," he grouses under breath.

"I'm just going to blame sleep deprivation for this," she says, giving him a sad look.

"And exactly how many hours did you get last night?" he asks with the concern of her doctor and not as her boyfriend, or whatever.

"About four. I would have slept longer, but I forgot to deactivate Jim's horrible alarm clock." He rolls his eyes at that as she hands him a cup of good coffee. Things are starting to go back to "normal" on this side of town after the state of emergency and that means decent coffee again.

"I didn't get your message until I was halfway here, but luckily for you I was planning to bring more clothing and food even though you kicked me out yesterday. I already gave Kevin his breakfast and coffee. He told me he was going to try to call Winona again. I also brought Spock apricot cookies, but I did not give them to him because he is still asleep and I didn't know if he can have the cookies."

"You can give him the cookies just as long as there's no chocolate in them. Chocolate does not mix very well with some of the medications that he's on."

"Look, I'm sorry I forced you to leave, but at least you got four hours of sleep last night. That's better than what you've been getting lately. Spock wanted you to sleep in your own bed, anyway."

"That's because he's always going to give the logical answer. Just drink your coffee and have some fruit," she says, shaking her head.

"Only if you actually eat something," he says, remembering the words from her letter. Come to think of it, she's barely consumed anything in the last five days.

"That's okay. I'm not hungry." She says it as if she felt like she is about to throw up at any moment. As a doctor, he was used to that tone of voice.

"I can give you a hypo for the nausea and then maybe you can actually eat one of those breakfast sandwiches you brought without it coming right back up," he says without thinking.

"How do you know that I can't keep anything down? You didn't receive any strange emails this morning with dubious subject lines, did you?" Shit! He'd already said something that he only could've gotten from her emails. Unlike Jim, she is a bit sharper.

"It was a lucky guess due to the fact that you look like you're about to throw up on my shoes," he lies. "The only crazy emails I have been getting are from Starfleet and I'm tempted to delete most of those without reading." Leonard decided that it was in her best interest for her not to know about Jim's little revenge plot. Nyota wasn't telling him things and she was a mess. He was worried about her and the only way to keep her well was to know these things. Besides, the letter was addressed to him anyway. For medical reasons, it is the right thing to do.

He actually got her to take an anti-nausea hypo before everything fell apart, due to the unplanned arrival of Dr. Marcus. That resulted in him getting kicked in the shin by his favorite linguist. Seriously, why did he love this woman?

To be continued.


	6. Everything Left Unsaid

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter.

Disclaimer: This chapter contains some direct quotes from STID. The dialogue is identical to what was used in the film (or as close as I could get by listening to the scene seven times). However, I added a little something that many of us wished would have happened in that scene.

* * *

Chapter 5: Everything Left Unsaid But Preserved in Writing.

"Do you really want to do this?" James asks, between heated kisses to Spock's neck and torso, the type that would most likely leave bruising if he were human. James' hand hovers hesitantly over the button of Spock's regulation pants. His shirt is long discarded. Actually, pants are the last piece of clothing that either of them is wearing. A completely hard and undressed James has Spock pressed up against the headboard and is straddling his lap at this point.

Despite the intensity of James' kisses, he can feel James' fear through their bond. He is afraid of the act itself. He is afraid that everything will change once they become physically intimate in this way. He is afraid that he will not live up to his supposed reputation. Six point three weeks ago they agreed to consummate their relationship on Valentine's Day. However, considering the amount of fear he is feeling from James, Spock wonders if they need more time.

"I believe I should be asking you that question since you are the one to be penetrated." James' breath hitches at the word 'penetrated'.

"Your science talk makes everything sexier," he says, practically moaning before becoming serious. "I'm not the one who is a virgin when it comes to having sex with men. This is a bigger deal for you than me." Except those words are not entirely true because Spock can tell this is a 'big deal' for James. Spock can feel the genuine worry for his well-being from his James.

"Yes, you have engaged in sexual intercourse with men before, but you were usually inebriated. Also, some of those encounters were non..." Spock is cut off by James' lips descending on his as if he is sucking the breath out of him.

"I don't count that. I pretend that it didn't happen." The words are whispered between fiery kisses, but he still hears them. He feels James' heart rate increase by 4.2%. He can feel James' fear increase exponentially, as if he is reminiscing about that encounter that they don't speak of.

"We do not have to do this tonight, ashayam," he says low against James' lips.

"Yes, we do," James says, looking up at him with such reverence that, as illogical as it seems, all air has left his lungs. "You love me." He says this as he fumbles with the button of Spock's pants. "No one else ever did." James' hands purposely drag across Spock skin as James pushes the fabric down Spock's body. "No one else before loved me, not really." James' words are peppered with kisses to his stomach and inner thigh. "They didn't know me." Spock's heart aches at those words. "You know me." Spock has never known someone as deeply as he has come to know James in these last few months. Spock did not know such a thing was possible, and yet the man above him still remains a mystery 93.2% of the time.

"It's just that this would be so much easier if you would let me take a drink." James says this as a joke, but Spock knows it is not and such a revelation is painful.

"No," Spock practically growls. "I will not allow you to utilize your normal coping mechanism. You will do this sober or we will not do this at all. We do not have to do this if you are not ready."

"Okay," James says, grabbing the bottle of lubricant from the side of the bed and placing it into Spock's hand as they switch positions.

"I will not hurt you," he whispers to his love as he now straddles James' lap.

"I know." The words are whispered.

"I love you." Spock's words are punctuated with a kiss to James' jaw.

"I know. I love you too," he says as they entwine their hands together.

He can feel the fear again, except it's not the same as before. It is not the fear of their relationship changing or of the act itself. It is the fear of death and leaving Spock behind. They are no longer in the sanctity of their quarters on Enterprise, but in engineering. Fingers are pressed up against the glass, but it doesn't matter. Spock can feel him as if they were engaged in a meld. James' pain is excruciating. He knows his love only has seconds left. He cannot stop his own tears. He watches James take his final breath as his fingers slide away from the glass and he screams.

xxxx

"Are you okay? Do I need to get a doctor?" Nyota asks from the chair beside him. Sometime during his drug-induced sleep, she had arrived at his room.

"I am fine," he says, being as ambiguous as possible to pacify her, but his words have the opposite effect.

"Okay, I'm getting Leonard now. You never say the word 'fine'. You hate the word 'fine', due to its ambiguous nature, as much as you hate anything," she says with slight panic.

"Do you really want to speak with your former significant other right now?" Spock questions.

"I'm sure I can find another doctor who's not playing kissy-face with a certain weapons expert that we both do not like," she says in annoyance.

"I assume you are referring to Doctor Marcus? I do not dislike Doctor Marcus," he tells her, without adding 'because I do not dislike anyone'.

"According to the ship rumor mill, she did a striptease for your husband before going down to the planetoid to flirt with my boyfriend-ex-boyfriend." If he were human, Spock would roll his eyes at her words. He would also chastise her for believing anything said by the 'rumor mill'. Considering there are several rumors floating around Enterprise of a highly outlandish nature, such as that he, Nyota, and James are engaged in a 'threesome', Spock is well aware of the rumor mill's ability to mangle the truth.

James had told him about that incident via their bond, along with the fact that Ms. Chapel apparently gave Dr. Marcus an inaccurate version of the events that led to her transfer. Ms. Chapel reacted in a less than pleasant way to the discovery of their "marriage" and may have done something "inappropriate". James agreed not to press formal charges if Ms. Chapel agreed to a transfer.

James quickly corrected the doctor's assumption about what happened between him and Ms. Chapel. James was not even aware that Dr. Marcus was changing in the shuttle until he turned around to defend himself. After turning back around as quickly as possible James told her, _"My husband does the absent-minded scientist thing too, but could you warn me before you do something that could result in me sleeping on the couch for the next month if he finds out? Like I need more rumors about me floating around the ship. Most of what you know about my reputation is complete and utter bullshit, especially when it comes from somebody who hates me because I supposedly stole her crush. I'm glad Christine is doing so well in her new assignment so that she will forget about molesting my husband."_

"You have also undressed in front of James and me in preparation for a mission, as was the case with Dr. Marcus," Spock tells Nyota in Dr. Marcus's defense, deciding not to recount to her exactly what James shared with him.

"We were in a hurry and whoever came up with the female Starfleet uniform should be shot. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shoot or chase after somebody in a skirt?" Nyota asks in all seriousness.

This was a common complaint among female officers. There was currently a petition circulating around Starfleet for all the male Admirals to wear something referred to as "short shorts" when on duty. The three top ranking women in Starfleet, Admirals Oddoye, Vazquez, and Chan, were the first to actually sign the petition. Thankfully, all three women were in other quadrants during the attack on Starfleet. Considering all three of the women were candidates to take over Marcus' now-vacated position, it is highly likely that the female uniform will soon change to something more practical.

"Apparently the length of your skirt did not impede your ability to help apprehend Khan," he says, now remembering some of what happened between James taking his last breath and waking up yesterday afternoon.

"Good, you're starting to remember what happened. That wasn't what you were dreaming about?" she asks with concern.

"How do you know that I was dreaming? Vulcans do not dream," he says defensively, causing her to roll her eyes in response.

"I thought we already moved past the 'Vulcans do not do this or that' thing last year," she says flippantly. "I know you dream. You had a lot of bad dreams those first few weeks after Amanda died. I wouldn't be surprised if they were coming back, considering. I know I haven't slept more than four hours at a time since this all began. So I ask again, what did you dream about?"

"Valentine's Day," he answers somewhat honestly. She does not need to know that a dream about the first time he and James made love turned into a memory of James dying.

"I don't believe you. You would not have woken up screaming like that if that were the case," she says glaring at him.

"The dream did involve some of the events of Valentine's Day." Her response is to just give him a sad smile.

"You don't have to tell me. Although, I'm sure Dr. Suarez will get it out of you. She should be here in a couple of days to clean up the mess that Cruz made. She is probably going to make me pick her up from the spaceport just so we can get a session in earlier than planned. Thanks to Leonard telling her all about yesterday's little incident, I have therapy homework. One of those assignments is to actually apologize for hitting you. So, I'm sorry I slapped you. If you say 'Apologies are not necessary', I will hit you again." He knows that she is actually serious.

"I have since discovered that apologies are beneficial for both parties involved." She smiles at his words.

"I also brought you apology cookies. They're apricot, because apparently chocolate interferes with your meds," she says, handing him a box of cookies.

"I also brought your therapy journal," she says, handing him the book that now has a wine stain on the cover, along with fingerprints.

"Did you read my therapy journal?" he asks, and her facial expressions signify a 'yes'.

"No – maybe, but you don't tell me anything. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be your friend? It's even worse than being your girlfriend. At least I was getting sex out of it before." That last part is mumbled under her breath. He feels it is in his best interest not to respond, even though he is upset that she had invaded his privacy again.

"I get scared sometimes. I didn't see the thing coming with Marc until after the fact, even though I should have. Your suicide by volcano was not good. Can we not talk about this right now?" Nyota tells him, cutting off the conversation abruptly. She does this often when a situation becomes too emotional for her.

"You just stated that my lack of open communication was the reason why you violated my privacy and read my personal thoughts again. If you want me to be open with you, you must remember to be open with me," Spock tells her with a sigh.

"Yes, I realize I'm a complete hypocrite sometimes, but so are you. Sometimes, I don't know why we are friends," she says with annoyance, before changing the subject abruptly. "I brought your PADD. Your father wants you to email him," she says as she passes the electronic device to him. He is not completely surprised by her telling him this. Again, his relationship with his father is better than what it was before Amanda's untimely death. "Yes, he is worried about you in a very Vulcan way. If he wasn't in the middle of major negotiations, he probably would be here right now, despite the state of emergency. I'm sure you have a dozen messages from him."

"Actually, I have 25," Spock says after he organizes his inbox by sender.

"Why do you have to be so literal sometimes?" she asks with hands on her hips. "Don't answer that, it was rhetorical. I'm sure you have just as many emails from our favorite therapist. I bet you have therapy homework waiting for you too. She is probably making you do the same writing assignment that she's having me do." He actually has 10 messages from Dr. Suarez. The most recent one has the dubious subject line of "we need to make an appointment" and was sent early this morning.

"She made me write my idiot former boyfriend a letter that I was purposely told not to send him. Actually, I had to write you a letter too, maybe when you're doing better I will actually send it to you." Spock sees he already has a recent message from her in his inbox with a subject line that reminds him of Jim's 'special' emails.

"I am not sure that is entirely necessary. If the subject line of that particular message was 'Sorry I slapped you but I don't like the thought of losing you' the message was forwarded to me at 6 AM this morning," he tells her, as her eyes go wide.

"What!" At that, Nyota grabs his PADD before he has time to actually read the message.

"I'm going to kill you or I would if such a thing would not send your husband off the deep end, again," Nyota says, walking over to Jim's other side. "I'm really starting to hate your post coma emails. I realize that I probably should've never read your therapy emails but this is so not fair."

"Why are you screaming at my husband?" Spock asks in confusion.

"Because he's a moron. His perfect revenge for me "accidentally" reading his therapy letters when you two were in your dancing around each other/driving me crazy phase, is to auto-forward anything I write to you or Jim that I don't send." Considering how angry she is, Spock feels that it is in his best interest not to mention that he knew about this particular form of punishment and did very little to get Jim to undo his modifications to the program. Although in his defense, the incident with Ms. Chapel occurred later that day, which required much of their attention.

"Do you want me to delete the message without reading?" he offers.

"No, it's fine. If it was Leonard, I would be worried but I trust you and really the only reason why I didn't send you the message is because I confessed to reading your therapy journal in the middle of it. Considering I did that, it's probably only fair that you read it. Although, please keep in mind, I was probably slightly drunk when I included those last couple of lines. Okay, I was very drunk when I wrote the entire thing," she tells him sheepishly. "Although, you're probably going to want to read the four unread messages from Jim first, two of which were sent after – what happened," Nyota finishes, unable to actually say the word 'die'. He tries to grab the device from her, but she does not give it back immediately.

"You emailed the messages to yourself?" Spock asks, knowing her too well.

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" she asks with a tilt of her head.

"No."

"Besides, as your best friend, it is important for me to be there for you and therefore I need to know exactly what the idiot said. You're probably going to want to read these emails by yourself. I'm sure Jim said something that is going to make you want to throw your PADD against the wall." He is almost positive she is not joking. "I know I almost did when I read his last message to me."

"What was in this message?" he questions.

"You better just read it. I will forward it to you. I have to go in to Starfleet anyway today. Our new Admiral is not giving me a choice." He is sure that is just an excuse but Nyota is gone before he can say anything.

XXX

He begins by reading Nyota's letter (actually, he begins by writing his father first because that was his most pleasant option). Spock is sure that the only reason why Nyota wrote half of this was that she was intoxicated. When sober, Nyota is never this honest with him. Even her slap did not tell him exactly why she was upset with him. Until he reads her words, he does not realize how much 'the volcano incident' hurt her. He knows that she cares about him deeply. Nyota always told him that their physical relationship was just sex, but from her letter he wonders if it was more than that, but it doesn't matter now. Her analogy is accurate and in comparison to what he felt for her, his feelings for James are like a bright star and he is uncertain if he can survive if James does not wake up. She was right, his greatest fear is losing his James.

It is also quite apparent that she desires the type of relationship that he has with James. It is obvious from the letter she is in love with Leonard. Spock has known that for a very long time, even if she denies it. She looks at Leonard the same way James looks at him. Spock would give anything to see that look from James one more time. By the time he finishes reading her words for a second time, Spock realizes that the two of them are going to have to have a very long conversation very soon.

Afterward, Spock begins to open James' emails, starting with the one titled "poetic justice of the email kind". (He does not read Nyota's letter multiple times to put this off as long as possible.) If he were human he would roll his eyes at James' attempt at humor. Yet, he's not angry that James did not do what he asked, rather it is comforting to have any message from his James. He just wants James back with him.

The next message he reads is the message that James wrote Nyota before going over to Vengeance along with her response. As he reads both messages, he can understand her anger and her desire to throw things. If he allowed himself to feel it, he would be angry. Like Nyota, he believes this was James' farewell message and James was sure he was not going to survive. It doesn't surprise Spock that James picked up on his own anxiety when they were discussing his plan to ally with Khan. James was even aware that he gave him false background on the infamous quote that he used. Spock will never forget James' words to him after he tried to point out how dangerous James' plan would be.

"You're right," James practically yelled at him. "What I am about to do doesn't make any sense. It's not logical. It's a gut feeling." He wanted to grab James' hand, but did not because of the crew member passing by. "I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I only know what I can do," James said with a slight pause as his voice became lower. "The Enterprise and her crew need somebody in that chair that knows what he's doing, and it's not me." James' words did not surprise Spock, because James had said something similar in private over the last few days. What surprised him was the feel of James' lips on his. They did not engage in physical displays of affection where the crew could see, but these were exceptional circumstances. The kiss was brief; however, Spock will never forget the encounter because it almost became their last kiss. Nor will he forget James' next whispered words, "It's you, Spock."

He tries to push that conversation out of his mind, but the next message makes it difficult. Because it has the same time stamp as the email sent to Nyota, this obviously indicates that the message was written right before James attempted to board Marcus's ship.

xxx

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/8/2259 4:33:11

Time sent: 6/9/2259 00:00:01

Subject: I love you

If my latest stunt ends as badly as we both think that it will, I just need to say those words to you one more time even if it's in this email. I already told you I trust no one with the ship more than you. I trust no one but you. I only love you.

xxx

Spock has the desire to cry again after reading James' words, which is illogical. Of course, James has a tendency to make Spock react in the most illogical ways. However, he does not cry because that would be inappropriate under the circumstances, as Kevin has just walked into the room.

Apparently his husband's brother was unable to get their mom to talk to him during his latest attempt. He did not tell Spock this, but rather a still unconscious Jim. Currently, he's yelling at his brother for doing "whatever stupidly heroic thing you did that almost got you killed in the first place." They have not talked much since Spock's return to consciousness. Although the young man does look at Spock as if he blames him entirely for what happened to James. Spock feels exactly the same way.

He decides it's best to not pay attention to Kevin's angry rant. Instead, he reads the next letter from his love.

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/5/2259 13:23:55

Time sent: 6/6/2259 00:00:01

Subject: Even though I find you annoying right now, I just want you

I can't believe you're acting like such a jealous dick right now. I'm not interested in the new science officer. The only science officer I want is you, preferably naked and underneath me (or on top of me) even though you have been a prick the last few days. Seriously, why did you leave a seat between us? Pretty much everybody knows we are married or whatever.

Okay, so I've said a lot of dumb things recently, but so have you. It's kind of why I love you. If we were sitting next to each other we could at least be playing footsie right now or be getting in a discreet Vulcan make out session. After what happened earlier, I need your kisses. Have I ever told you that hand kissing is so hot? That may be the only type of kissing that you will allow during work hours, maybe. Again, people know that we're married, sort of. I don't know why you're so uptight about the PDAs. Hell, you let Ny make out with you on the transporter pad that one time. Actually, you let me suck you off under the table when you were talking to the idiots that be (ITB). I'm your husband and your captain, that should entitle me to the occasional on-bridge kiss or even hand squeeze. It's not like I'm going to try for something harder in public, when we're working anyway (the thing with the ITBs does not count).

Okay, so maybe I'm writing you a dirty email that I should not send via official email because I'm fucking terrified at the moment. Am I doing the right thing? I know you think what Marcus wants us to do is wrong on so many levels. I don't even think we should do what Marcus wants us to do, but I'm not

Xxxx

The email ended abruptly, most likely because they arrived on the ship before James could complete it and he never had time to go back to it. Spock does not want to think about everything that happened that prevented Jim from being able to finish that message. He wishes they never got on that shuttle. He never trusted Admiral Marcus (especially because of his conversation with Admiral Pike the day before). He agreed with Nyota's suggestion that he should have just nerve pinched Jim before any of this started.

The next message had the exact same time stamp but from the subject line and its content he knew it was written hours earlier, most likely when he was taking a shower before Mr. Scott called to let the couple know about what he found in the wreckage.

From: KirkJT

To: SpockX

Time saved: 6/5/2259 5:33:11

Time sent: 6/6/2259 00:00:01

Subject: He's gone

Chris is - fuck, was the closest thing I ever had to a father and he's dead and it feels like it's all my fault. Spock, it's my fault. If I didn't fuck up on Nibiru he wouldn't have been in that room with us. Chris would've been having a quiet dinner with the wife or asleep. I feel like his blood is on my hands. I can't wash them enough. I'm such a fuck up.

Yet, I can't regret saving you. Chris may be the closest thing I have - had to a father, but you are my heart. I'm not sure I can live without you. It would be nice if you don't do something stupid like the volcano thing again because I really don't want to find out, you bastard.

XXX

Spock knew that James was upset about the volcano incident. They had many arguments about the incident, three of which ended in "angry wall sex". Another of which ended with James apparently hiding in the bar by their apartment according to the final email that he reads. Again, James was furious. However, the subject line "I was really sure that we got to the point where I wouldn't have to apologize for being an ass in an e-mail alone" makes him smile, not that he actually smiles.

James started by apologizing for what happened in Admiral Pike's office, but Spock realizes that he is just as sorry for many of the things that he said. He knew that James was most upset at realizing that the admiralty really did not trust him, and he did not even know about the conversation that Spock had with Admiral Pike afterward. Because of the conversation he agreed with James' assessment that they were not being punished because of violating the Prime Directive, but because of their relationship, and the incident on Nibiru was being used to make an example out of the couple.

Just like James, he was terrified of being separated. Spock knew that the volume of James' sexual exploits were greatly exaggerated by the rumor mill (currently, there was a rumor about James engaging in a threesome with two women being referred to as the 'kitty cat twins' when they had arrived on Earth). However, he did not believe such things; he was not worried about that. He can understand why James does not think that he is worthy of Spock's affections because sometimes Spock feels the same way. Occasionally, he wonders if James would be better off with a human partner who can understand an emotional human being. Spock is afraid that someday James will realize that he deserves better than him. It is good to realize that James is just as scared for the same reasons.

He is glad that James did remember that he completely missed their dinner with Kevin and he will be telling James exactly how uncomfortable the dinner was when he wakes up. (He does not say "if" because he refuses to contemplate that reality.)

The rest of James' letter is difficult to read, but he does anyway.

xxxxx

Okay, that tangent was me avoiding writing about the real reason why I'm scared of you being on another ship. I'm afraid of losing you and I don't mean to another person, but rather to death itself. You almost died in that volcano and you actually expected me to just let it happen? I don't give a fuck about stupid Starfleet regulations. I love you. You're the only thing I care about. What's going to happen with your new captain? You don't have a good sense of self-preservation. You got kidnapped and you didn't even tell me about it. I need to know that you're safe. I don't think I could handle it if you died because I was not around to prevent it. I know I couldn't handle it. I was a fucking mess when Sam died.

I keep having this dream, at least I think it's a dream, I don't really know because we're older than what we are now. You're trapped inside the warp core, or at least I think you are. It doesn't really look like ours. I think you just did something really stupid, because I'm watching you die in front of me. I can't get to you because there is this fucking glass in the way. I can't save you. I can't do anything but watch.

Don't ask me to watch you die for the greater good because I can't do it. I don't give a fuck about everyone else and maybe that makes me a bad captain, but that doesn't matter anymore because I'm no longer a captain. I would do anything to make sure that you live a long and happy life. I would lose Enterprise a thousand times if it meant keeping you safe. I am so scared. I need you.

XXX

Spock stops reading there because he is too upset to continue. James knew that this was going to happen, probably because of the "emotional transference" that occurred when he melded with Spock's counterpart 14 months prior. His other self never told him the exact 'high cost' of defeating Khan in the other dimension, but he implied it. When James said that he did what Spock would have done in similar circumstances, he knew that for a fact. Spock does not know how to respond to the fact that James would rather die himself than watch Spock make the same sacrifice. Spock's subconscious response is to throw his PADD against the wall, resulting in Kevin calling Dr. McCoy.

"What the hell did that PADD ever do to you?" Leonard asks as he walks into the room, picking up the device now lying against the opposite wall. Surprisingly, the device is only slightly cracked, enabling the Doctor to see the message.

"I hate that stupid accidental program he created. It's more trouble than it's worth," Doctor McCoy says, shaking his head. "Since the happy hypos are not keeping you from having another Vulcan breakdown, we will try the Dr. Suarez method," he says, putting the PADD down on the table next to Spock. "You're going to write down everything you're thinking in a letter to your honey bear," he says, pushing the therapy journal and pen into Spock's hand before moving to Kevin.

"And you, kid, are going to go to that tiny dorm room of yours to take a shower and get at least 10 hours of sleep. If I see you here before 7 AM tomorrow, I'm calling security," the doctor says, actually pulling Jim's brother out of the chair.

"You can't kick me out, he is my brother," Kevin protests.

"When James wakes up, he will become greatly distressed if he finds out that you did not take adequate care of yourself during his incapacitation. I suggest you do as the doctor suggests."

"I really hate it when you agree with me. Come on, kid," Doctor McCoy says, pulling Kevin out of the room, leaving Spock with nothing to do but write.

To be continued.


	7. You are a cocky asshole

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last part. Reviews, comments, and kudos keep me focused and in a creative happy zone.

Those of you who remember the first story probably remember that the first part of the story was told only with letters. It's time for us to get back to that again. The story will switch back to the more traditional narrative when our title character regains consciousness. (I am on the fence about doing an interlude from the perspective of our favorite therapist in the middle of this section.)

On the bright side, faster updates (and less work for my fabulous beta). Basically, I'm doing this now because I have a coworker who is on a cruise, which means more overtime for me and less fun time to work on stories. Shorter chapters mean more updates for you.

After discussions with TPurr I decided that it would be best to mix the letters from Spock and Nyota. Letters from Spock will start with Dear James. Letters from Nyota will start with Dear Jim. As of right now, it will be easier to tell because her letters will be an email form, but that will change.

* * *

June 14, 2259

Dear James:

I am not sure how to start this letter except I wish that circumstances were different, and I could tell you these things in person. I crave to hear your voice once more, even if the words are laced with anger. I miss your touches and kisses. I keep dreaming of making love to you, yet all the dreams end in your death. This is similar to the dreams I had after Amanda's passing. Instead of trying to find different ways to save you, I can do nothing but watch you die behind the glass.

Dr. McCoy is forcing me to write this after I threw my personal PADD at a nearby wall. This was after he removed your brother from our room. I was thankful for that simply for the fact that he would no longer be around to look at me as if I am solely responsible for your death, especially because I feel solely responsible for your death. I am already thinking of the many things I could have done differently to prevent your death.

My reaction was triggered by discovering that you essentially gave your life to make sure that I would not make a similar sacrifice **in this dimension**. When you said that I would do something similar, apparently you knew I actually would do something similar due to the aftereffects of your meld with my counterpart. I wish you would not make such a sacrifice. I understand that you do not want to live without me. However, I cannot live without you.

I remember very little from the moment your hands slid away from the glass until Nyota fired at Khan with a phaser. I remember feeling lost. I remember feeling this intense desire to avenge the murder of my bondmate. I do not remember the bond actually breaking. Doctor Weston believes that it never actually broke and that may be the real reason why Dr. McCoy was able to revive you. We will not know for sure until she arrives to assess your condition.

I keep my hand on your heart. As illogical as it seems, a part of me still cannot accept that it is beating again. Every time I close my eyes I keep reliving that moment in engineering. It is harder knowing that you made the sacrifice for me. I feel even guiltier than before.

I keep wondering about how things would be if the doctor had not revived you. We were fighting. You blamed me for losing the ship or at least that was what you implied during our argument in Admiral Pike's office. I read your apology. I wish I had heard those words from you and not in an email that I did not read until 22.3 minutes ago.

I am sorry I did not take your fears about the admiralty as seriously as I should have. I am sorry that I forced you to intervene on Nibiru. I am sorry I did not fight harder to keep Dr. Suarez on the ship. After you left Admiral Pike's office, I was informed that Dr. Cruz falsified his report. Of course, I am most sorry about allowing you to fall into Admiral Marcus's trap.

You were not thinking rationally after Christopher's death. Because of our bond, I knew you were emotionally compromised and I should have tried harder to prevent you from accepting the Admiral's highly illegal plan of action. Nyota suggested that I should have administered a nerve pinch. I am inclined to agree.

When I melded with Christopher, his last wish was for me to take care of you. I feel that I have failed him completely. I let you die. I am not sure if I can forgive myself for that. I am uncertain if the anger I feel can ever go away. I am uncertain if even meditation can help.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Sent written: 6/14/2259 21:35:01

Subject: You are a cocky asshole.

Dear Jim:

I hate you. Did you really think it was a good idea to forward my personal emails to people who probably should read the messages, but that I don't really want to? Thankfully you only did it to Spock and probably yourself. I really really hope you didn't send it to a certain idiot ex-boyfriend of mine, because that would be bad. I may have written him an expletive-filled message after I saw him being all flirty around Carol when she interrupted our whatever moment this morning. I really really don't want him to see the email. And well, knowing you, even if I delete it from my email right now, I'm sure he'll still get it somehow, regardless. You are just that type of bastard. Thanks to you, I'm going to be afraid to use email for the rest of my life. I would be yelling at you in person right now, but a certain ex-boyfriend of mine has banned me and everyone else from your hospital room. It wasn't just me, Kevin and Sulu also complained about Leonard keeping them from your room. Leonard actually escorted your brother out personally and threatened him with a hypo if he tried to come back. Kevin said this happened after your husband tossed his PADD at the wall. My theory is Spock had a really bad reaction to reading your last letter to him and that triggered him actually throwing something. I know I did when I read it. I am going to have to get you another one of those glass teddy bear things that JoJo got you for your birthday. It's currently in pieces in the recycling. You knew this was going to happen, you dick.

Okay, I realize that it's really hypocritical of me to be really self-righteous right now considering what I did earlier in the day. I realize that I should have never ever read your special letters to Spock. (Especially the latest one where you pretty much told Spock that you knew everything that went down in the warp core was going to happen because of some freaky premonition that was probably caused by Other Spock linking to your mind. There really are some things that you can never unread.) I also realize that it may have been really wrong for me to abuse some of my privileges as chief communications officer to read some of these letters. I'm sorry about that. It was an abuse of my power and an abuse of my privileges and it was an abuse of your trust in me. After seeing what abuse of power can do firsthand, I don't want to start slipping down that slippery slope by doing little things like reading other people's personal emails.

I should probably also apologize for reading Spock's therapy journal, even if you did the exact same thing. Actually, you stole his therapy journal. All I did was do something that technically is in my purview as chief communications officer, sort of. I have a right to look at any message generated on Enterprise to check for suspicious activity. Okay, technically, this didn't qualify, but you never know. Right now I really really wish I had taken a closer look at Dr. Cruz's private emails. I'm pretty sure he was in bed with that asshole that almost got us all killed.

Also, whoever was monitoring Admiral Marcus's communications was obviously lacking. How could people miss what that idiot was planning? Did people not see the money just disappearing? That giant ship was not cheap.

Obviously, Carol had to know something was up. Otherwise, I don't think she would have stowed away on Enterprise. See, I have to read your personal messages to make sure you don't do something stupid, like going on a one-man vengeance mission into Klingon space because you were being manipulated by the psychotic asshole in charge. Oh no, I'm not bitter, I'm just really really mad at you. You drive me crazy.

Speaking of certain scientists that sneak on a ship, she tried to talk to me today to reassure me that she's not interested in Leonard at all, despite the way he acted around her when he almost got himself blown up by the torpedoes. She says that she was just there for medical reasons (i.e., sleeping pills and a therapy referral) and she has no interest in my boyfriend whatsoever (yes, she still referred to him as my boyfriend), but I'm not sure if I actually believe her. We were both at Starfleet headquarters for the great interrogation.

For some reason, Admiral Nhi felt it would be more advantageous if Carol and I were interrogated together. Like I really needed an audience to tell the real version of what happened in engineering. Scotty didn't even notice that I arrived in time to hear your last words, or what almost ended up being your last words to Spock. (You better come out of this, or else. I can't deal with Spock without you.)

Okay, maybe I now hate her a little bit less because I know she had to watch Khan kill her father. That sort of thing will pretty much fuck anyone up, even if her dad was kind of a bastard. In light of that, I probably should be less hostile. It's not her fault that Leonard will flirt with anyone and expects me to be ok with it, but freaks out over the fact that I USED to have sex with my best friend.

Okay, so maybe she did have a legitimate reason to speak to Leonard about sleeping pills and therapy. Again, what she saw would screw anybody up. It's been years and I still have flashbacks to finding my grandmother's dead body and Marc dying in my arms. She's going to need a good therapist and Doctor Suarez is going to have fun with her. I wouldn't even refer my worst enemy to Doctor Cruz. Not that it matters because the guy is a quack and is currently being held in protective custody. I don't know why, because Starfleet, including Admiral Nhi are being really close-lipped about it. Although, as I stated earlier, I'm sure he had something to do with Marcus's little fiasco.

In other bad news, I was forced to spend quality time with my parents. Granted, it was via deep space video conference, but still it was uncomfortable, especially because the interactions were so businesslike. It was like I was just another member of Starfleet, not their only child. Thanks to Khan killing half of Starfleet's brass, my mother just got promoted to the rank of admiral. She's so happy and she only had to give up being around for most of my childhood to become a member of the idiots that be. Thankfully, she won't be our admiral. However, my father is in charge of the investigation of what is being referred to as the "Vengeance incident". (Due to the fact I have no relationship with my parents, there's no conflict of interest there. As far as I'm concerned, they just donated genetic material. I am my grandmother's daughter.)That is going to be so much fun.

Is it wrong that Spock's father actually cares more about him than my parents care about me? I've received three more emails from the guy inquiring about his son's health. My parents are only speaking to me because they now have to do so for their jobs and your mom still hasn't come to visit you. It's so unfair.

Can you please wake up so we can commiserate together about our totally screwed up families? I also need you to tell me that I'm prettier than whoever my idiot ex-boyfriend is flirting with. Okay, can you please wake up soon so I can smack you upside the head for the auto-forwarding my email?

Again, what were you thinking?


	8. Please wake up before I kill Spock or K

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. Your reviews give me a reason to keep writing. They also give you an opportunity to say what you like and don't like about the story.

You are getting an earlier chapter, because I wrote 2200 words for the next chapter of The Truth about Love and hated everything I actually wrote and decided to work on this story, because this is what wanted to come out. Thankfully, this work to get rid of the writer's block, because I have successfully completed the draft of that chapter. Also, this is easier to write when I'm having a heavy workweek. These letters just kind of write themselves.

(If you're wondering about the Take a Third Option series, the next chapter is still being beta and I expect to get it back soon. However, I'm looking for a new person to proofread that story, starting with the next chapter. Please let me know if you are available to assist.)

* * *

June 15, 2259

Dear James:

I am unable to sleep and I decided that maybe writing you would be conducive to sleep. It has worked previously, 84.5% of the time. The sleep aid that Doctor McCoy administered was useless. This is not surprising considering they did not work very well in the immediate aftermath of my mother's death. I tried meditating earlier, but it was futile. My mind is restless and unable to focus. I have nothing to do but reread your letters and that is not very conducive to a sound mind.

It was reminiscent of how I was after my mother's death, except I actually do have an appetite this time. That may be because Dr. McCoy keeps bringing me all of my favorite dishes that you like to prepare for me. He also makes a point of constantly reminding me that you would be very displeased if I became unhealthy or re-developed "Vulcan anorexia" because I am emotionally distraught due to your incapacitation. I wish not to displease you even though you are unconscious.

I had another dream or rather nightmare about you, which may be the real reason why I am unable to sleep. This time I relived our fight after the confrontation with Dr. Cruz. Once again a dream/memory about us having angry sex up against the wall of our quarters became a dream about you dying in engineering. I do not wish to examine why my mind has developed a correlation between us engaging in sexual intercourse and your death. I also hope that such an association does not hold once you wake up, as I may develop an aversion to engaging in sexual activities with you for that very reason. I would hate to be unable to be intimate with you again. I have discovered that I need your touch as much as I need air.

Despite Doctor McCoy's attempts to prevent me from accessing your chart, I have read it on multiple occasions. Your brain function is normal and there are no signs of the radiation in your system. That is promising, yet I am afraid you will not wake up. Part of me thinks that you still being alive is the dream that I will wake up from at any moment.

I blame myself for your death, and I did so before I knew for certain that you did sacrifice yourself solely to keep me from doing the same thing. I think I keep subconsciously reliving that moment in engineering, because I blame myself for what happened.

I know you understand this because you blame yourself for Christopher's death, even though it was not your fault. It was much more my fault than it was yours. If I had not proposed a solution to neutralize the volcano, you would have never needed to violate the Prime Directive. You did yell something to that effect during the dream/memory. At least in your letter you do not blame me, but I blame myself.

I need you to wake up to tell me that none of this is my fault. I need you to tell me that you forgive me. I just need you. I do not think I can regain the focus to sleep or meditate properly until I can talk to you. I need to hear your voice. I need to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me everything will be 'okay' despite the generally ambiguous nature of the word. I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer function optimally without you.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Sent written: 6/15/2259 21:35:01

Subject: Please wake up before I kill your husband/whatever or possibly that idiot K.

Dear Jim:

Okay, you need to wake up now. I can't deal with your boyfriend/husband/Vulcan soulmate without you. By Vulcan standards he's like a hysterical mess, even if he keeps saying that he's fine. Spock is never fine. Fine is like a curse word to him. Up until recently, I was not even sure if that word was in his vocabulary. Tomorrow I'm bringing puzzles or something to occupy his Vulcan brain, because the only thing he had to work on was writing his report of the "Vengeance Incident". That stuff is good for no one's mental health.

Spock should be happy (by Spock standards) that Doctor McCoy is keeping the vultures away until he's healthier. The only member of the Starfleet admiralty that can even get in the hospital is Admiral Nhi. Her arrival resulted in me getting kicked out of the room for the day after only an hour.

Okay, I was happy for her arrival because I couldn't deal with Spock trying to apologize for our breakup that happened over a year ago (funny, Leonard hasn't even apologized for the breakup that happened less than three weeks ago). Spock spent a good 20 minutes trying to tell me that I should have told him that I actually had feelings for him, instead of telling him that we were merely friends with benefits when we were having sex . Of course, he just had to do this in the most Spock-like way possible, which is why it took 20 minutes. I can only deal with one ex-boyfriend at a time wanting to talk about our relationship and that spot is currently reserved for the guy who really is an ex-boyfriend (despite what Carol and Christine really think).

I only spoke long enough with him today to see how Spock was really doing (not well), and for him to give me my therapy journal. Should I read something into the fact that that was the only personal belonging that he brought me from his quarters when I know that I have at least three boxes of stuff in there?

I'm trying to decide if Spock is worse this time or last time. Maybe it just seems worse this time because Spock will actually acknowledge that he is upset. Although that may be a sign that he's handling it better this time. At least he cried for you. He couldn't do that for Amanda. He just kept everything inside until it manifested itself as you and him screaming on the bridge.

Then again, he's kind of afraid to leave your side. I couldn't even get him to take a walk. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm sure this is a symptom of Vulcan PTSD. You cannot leave me to deal with this alone. No one wants to deal with Vulcan PTSD, mostly because it takes a small miracle for said Vulcan to admit that he actually has a problem. Doctor Suarez cannot get here soon enough.

I also would love for you to wake up soon so we can commiserate about the idiots in charge and the investigation. I want to strangle that arrogant prick K. I think Admiral Nhi was being nice to me while Spock was unconscious, because they never called me in. Now, I think I might as well move in to the building. Except for that hour visiting Spock I've spent most of the day at Starfleet headquarters going through the second round of interrogations and I expect another round tomorrow. Today I had to deal with a nasty interrogation from a group of idiots who are most likely cronies of Admiral Marcus, including K. The prick practically wet his pants when he saw me, although that's probably because I look like my mom and he hates my mom more than I do and I didn't even think that was possible.

He was also very unhappy that our new big boss, or at least acting big boss, Admiral Chan decided to put my father in charge of the investigation. Okay, he was probably upset because he is not the acting big boss and according to the rumor mill, unless he does something big quickly, he is never going to fill Marcus' shoes. Obviously he sees blaming you for the Vengeance catastrophe and exonerating his old friend as a means to get the big office. I can't even repeat what he said about my dad. The man may have been a crappy father, but he is fiercely loyal to all things Starfleet and is not going to hide the truth for anyone, not even me. K shut up very quickly when I told him that nepotism actually requires an actual familial relationship and that would not be a problem since my biological father is a complete stranger to me. Actually, everybody in the room shut up quickly when I said that, including my father.

I'm not really surprised that that statement resulted in me receiving several concerned emails from my sperm and egg donor, as well as an invitation to meet our favorite psychologist at the spaceport. I did not want to read the emails from my parents, but I had no choice because the emails may actually relate to the investigation. I'm not going to let my own issues with my parents result in you or Spock getting sent up the river by the idiots that be. You're my friends and I will always have your back, even if that means dealing with my family issues. I'm sure he did that on purpose because they knew I wouldn't read the messages otherwise.

Apologies don't work that well when they're sandwiched in the middle of a request for help in understanding your special email system or to ask for clarifications about my testimony. Even though I'm still pissed off at you for thinking it's a really good idea to auto forward my personal emails (to hopefully just you and your husband) I'm glad you completely redid the Enterprise email system and created a way to automatically archive anything. You'll be happy to know that your special system is probably the only thing keeping you from being made an example by the good cronies of Admiral Marcus. They now have the real version of your report on the volcano incident, as well as the real version of Doctor Suarez's assessment of your partnership and not the version that Marcus doctored.

So I should probably tell you that no one on the ship will ever trust a Starfleet therapist again outside of Doctor Suarez because everybody in Starfleet (and God, let us hope nobody leaks this to the press) knows that a certain asshole therapist lied through his fucking teeth in his report to Marcus and the "powers that like to completely fuck us over." It was bad and made it look like you make all your choices based on your personal feelings for Spock. His report made you look like an arrogant incompetent fool and Spock look like a hot mess all around.

An unknown person posted the entire thing to the front page of the Starfleet official internal network (along with several accounts of the real story), complete with a picture of the Doctor with the words liar and murderer printed across the top. Oh, why am I lying in an email to you? It's not like anybody in Starfleet is going to be able to hack into your private email system. So I may have said something to your brother last night about what I've read in Spock's diary about the possibility that Cruz lied to Starfleet. Because the little brat that you trained so well could not sleep, he sort of "tested" Starfleet's cyber security. The result was a lot of angry crew members who now really felt like they were set up. It's probably in Stacy Cruz's best interest that he is in protective custody. Even I want to kick his ass, but I wanted to kick his ass before I found out that his lying resulted in Enterprise being anywhere near Earth when this completely psychotic situation began.

I'm supposed to be reading through Doctor Cruz's really inaccurate report of the volcano incident and writing an email where I point out all of the inaccuracies in the report, but I kind of got too upset to continue. Okay, I owe you a new MPX player, because I may have tossed my work PADD at it. I was reading a particular nasty passage about how self-absorbed and narcissistic you are when your evil, evil stereo system decided to play the original version of the song "I Would Die for You." The words in the song just managed to set me off completely and well, you should just be happy that Spock will not let you bring out your vintage vinyl collection, except on special occasions. Although your vinyl collection doesn't have an automatic shuffle feature, so I probably would not have freaked out in the first place.

Cruz is wrong about you. You're good person even if you do stupid things sometimes. He says that you don't think the rules actually apply to you, but I think it's more like you don't think rules that are stupid should apply to anybody. Let's be honest, we all think a lot of Starfleet regulations are stupid at times. You have to be flexible. Jim, you are not the type of person to follow something blindly just because it's in some obscure manual somewhere. You think for yourself. You're well aware that the right thing, according to the rules, and the moral thing is not always one in the same.

You're not selfish. A selfish person would have never done what you did for all of us. They say there's no greater gift in the world than to give your life on behalf of someone else. I'm still mad at you for sacrificing yourself and leaving me to deal with one mentally unbalanced Vulcan alone, but if you hadn't done what you did, I wouldn't be alive to write you this email. So thank you, even though I'm still pissed at you for leaving Spock behind.

Basically, I'm writing you this email because if I don't do something, I probably will break more furniture before I actually finish my analysis of the most inaccurate report in Starfleet history. The things he said about Spock were even worse. Cruz even had the audacity to include a couple of lines about how Spock was allegedly screwing both of us at the same time. He didn't say it in those terms, but it was strongly implied. Let's just say it was one of the few lies actually grounded in reality. Almost everything else was pure fiction.

I don't even get why the idiot lied. You breaking the Prime Directive should have been enough under any circumstances to result in a demotion (although I'm not sure it was an instant disqualification for tandem assignments). If it wasn't for the fact that the guy is really really straight, I would think that you slept with him and then forgot to call. Okay, I know that probably didn't happen because you're a little sex-phobic and your reputation really is greatly exaggerated. Yes, Spock tells me stuff about your sex life mostly because I told him about sex stuff with Leonard or did when we were still having sex. Yes, I know I need more female friends or at least female friends that are not obsessed with my best guy friend and get sent away for doing something really inappropriate (thank you for handling that internally and not ruining Christine's career by going through official channels).

It just seems like Cruz's attack was really personal and I really don't know why. Other than what we were told, how much do we know about Doctor Cruz? I don't know if I trust anything that comes out of the mouths of certain Starfleet officials. (I miss Admiral Chris, because he never lied to us.) If the insomnia continues, I may have to do a little research on Dr. Stacy tonight.

So during my unfortunate "interviews" with Starfleet, I did manage to be pleasant to Carol. They weren't exactly very nice to her and K actually tried to dismiss Carol's testimony by claiming it was merely a manifestation of her "daddy issues". Really, does the guy think this is going to win him any favors?

She stopped by the apartment this afternoon with food, probably because she was there during my special response to K about the fact that I really have no family. Then there's also a really good chance that she understood what I said when I called K a Klingon word that loosely means "one without honor who sleeps with politicians for money" after his grilling of Carol (I know Admiral Chan did, and she was impressed with my use of the language). I'm pretty sure she was there because Christine probably asked her to check up on me and thought that I could use some comfort Chinese food. She even brought the crab ragout and walnut shrimp. You know I love crab ragout or pretty much real seafood in general. Christine had to tell her what to bring.

This does not surprise me because Christine also asked me to do the same thing for Carol. I know she means well and is trying to be a good friend, even if I'm not quite sure what her reasoning behind this is. She really is doing better now that she is on the right medication and she met a new guy, Roger or something, that she can't stop talking about. She's really sorry for trying to give Spock an aphrodisiac, so he would fall madly in love with her, after she found out about the marriage. She said that she would apologize via email directly, but you're still blocking all correspondence from her except those addressed to me or Doctor McCoy from reaching the ship.

The thing is, I'm not entirely sure if Carol is the best person for me to be around right now, especially because a certain ex-boyfriend of mine is so obviously trying to get in her pants. Okay, so obviously we have a lot in common, because we both grew up with absentee parents who care more about Starfleet then us and decided that it would be best for us to be raised in boarding school. She ended up in London and I ended up in a lot of different schools all over the world. Marc and I got expelled a couple of times. I'm not going to let a guy put his hand on my ass and not break a finger or two. I really have no idea why they were so touchy about that sort of thing. Okay, so I did say I need more female friends, but I'm not sure if she is really a good candidate.

You'll be happy to know that not only did I take the food before slamming the door, we actually talked to each other for a good half an hour. I mean, it was really nice of her to come by considering that she's in the middle of making funeral arrangements for her father (although maybe she needed a distraction). Being the complete nut job that the man was, he actually had most of it planned out and paid for. However, considering what he did, Carol doesn't believe he deserves such a grand funeral and is redoing most of it. Also considering what the man did, it's not like he deserves a traditional Starfleet funeral. Funeral planning is awful. I'm kind of glad that we don't have to plan your funeral. Oh God, I can't deal with Spock planning a funeral ever again. Amanda's funeral was a nightmare.

I just wish you would wake up, so I would have someone to talk to. Dictating to a PADD is just not working as well as it should, and I haven't even started ranting about certain idiot ex-boyfriends today. I think I may leave that for another time. I already broke something really expensive in your apartment tonight.

Really, I am sorry about the stereo. I promise to replace it.

* * *

Dear James:

I wish you were conscious so that I could have discussed my decision to talk to Nyota about her feelings toward me before actually speaking with her. The discussion was less than favorable (I am personally surprised she did not resort to physical violence again) and even I was thankful for the arrival of Admiral N. Pike, even if she was there to discuss many unpleasant things.

The Admiral herself is someone that I really did not want to speak with right now because, as illogical as it seems, I fear her recrimination. I felt that, like myself, she would blame me for what happened to her husband. If I had made a different choice, then he would not have been in that room that night. She said that she did not blame me for what happened. She also said that she does not blame you. (However, certain things she said leads me to believe that she does blame Stacy Cruz).

She also informed me that she was not planning to have Admiral C. Pike's memorial service until after you have regained consciousness. She said that you need closure more than anyone else, and it would not be right to have the service without you there. She said that you were the closest thing to a son he had.

You will be happy to know that your brother is more like you than most of Starfleet is comfortable with. You will also be happy to know that he has taken his revenge on Doctor Cruz by posting his malicious and fabricated report about what we are all now referring to as "the volcano incident" along with our actual report to the Starfleet network for access by all Starfleet personnel. (He may have also added a dubious caption to an image of the Doctor.) I say actual report because I have since discovered that the reports reviewed by Admiral Marcus and the others deciding on the incident were altered before arriving at Starfleet. I found out about this from the deeply upset Admiral.

She asked for my help in preventing Kevin from doing such things in the future, but I told her that Kirks in general rarely do what they are supposed to. I also suggested that she solicit Kevin's help to understand your special email system. Her response was to laugh. I did not tell her that I would not say anything to Kevin because I fear his response. We still have yet to speak with each other, despite the fact that he spent several hours by your bedside until the Admiral's arrival forced him to leave.

Also, it would be very hard for me to be angry with your brother for doing something that I was personally tempted to do. After I finish my detailed analysis of Stacy Cruz's fictitious report and the official and nonofficial versions of what happened during what is being now called the Vengeance Incident, I plan to do additional research on Dr. Cruz. This will probably involve me remotely accessing your special archiving system from the ship. I will probably do this tonight if writing you this letter does not alleviate my insomnia.

As was the case previously, the Doctor Suarez method seems to be conducive to sleep. I was able to fall asleep this morning for 3.2 hours after my letter to you without the aid of narcotics. I hope that by writing you this letter I may actually be able to fall asleep again tonight. However, I do not believe a real rest will be possible for me until you are lying next to me in sleep and not unconsciousness.

Please come back to me, ashayam.

* * *

So here are your questions for meditation for this chapter:

Why do you think Stacy wrote such a nasty report against Jim and Spock?

Do you think Marcus worked unilaterally or were other Starfleet admiral's involved in his evil schemes?

Also, I'm debating whether to keep Jim in the 'coma' for the full 14 days as in canon or if he should wake up a little sooner. Honestly, I don't think this Spock can take Jim being unconscious for 14 days. We are currently on day six, I'm not sure what Spock is going to be like by day 14. Actually, I'm not sure we can take all 14 days of our favorite Starfleet Captain in a coma. Of course, this is me and I have to come up with a logical explanation for why Jim is recovering faster in this universe. Let me know what you think and you can give me your theories about how or why Jim could wake up sooner in a universe where he is bonded to Spock.


	9. Can you please wake up now

Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. The general consensus is that none of us can take Jim Kirk in a coma for 14 days. Depressed Vulcans are terrifying and even I do not think I can write eight more days of Vulcan self-flagellation. Therefore, sleeping Captain will be waking up earlier than canon in the story. Now, he will still be unconscious for the next few chapters at least, because there's some stuff I need to accomplish first, but I'm planning on waking him up as soon as I can.

* * *

June 16, 2259

Dear James:

Nyota's father just departed my hospital room 15 minutes earlier after he was forcibly removed from our room by both his daughter and Dr. McCoy. I consider the incident a favorable thing only for the fact that Leonard and Nyota work together to accomplish something for the first time since the demise of their relationship (unless you count their plan to return you to consciousness and to keep me from justly murdering the one responsible for your present incapacitation.)

The newly promoted Commodore Uhura was at Starfleet medical as part of his investigation into what is being referred to as the Vengeance Incident. I really do not want to discuss anything related to your current state with anyone. Although highly professional, a large part of the man's investigation focused on Dr. Cruz's falsified reports regarding the functionality of our work relationship and how it affects our personal relationship and vice versa, as well as my interactions with the doctor.

Thanks to you, we had authentic copies of various reports and additional video files to repudiate the majority of the doctor's conclusions. The original copies of the materials disappeared from the ship's official archives. Certain members of the Admiralty, i.e. K*, are blaming this on the massive damage the ship sustained during the incident. The backup copies that you keep on a non-Starfleet server were available and proved invaluable. Your paranoia was well founded and in the long run your decision was most prudent. I now believe that the late Admiral Marcus purposely arranged for these files to be destroyed for reasons of which I am still uncertain. We are already aware that he made all records of the torpedoes disappear. Thankfully, no one outside of your inner circle knew about your backup system. I'm very thankful that I never mentioned anything about the special e-mails to Dr. Cruz.

However, the conversation began to deteriorate when the questions became more personal in nature. Nyota arrived when we were discussing Dr. Cruz's accusation that you and I were engaging in a sexual relationship with Nyota simultaneously. Actually, she walked into the room when I informed her father that such rumors were completely false, because we have not engaged in sexual intercourse for 12.7 months and at the time she was engaged in a sexual relationship with Dr. McCoy. This resulted in her glaring at me and engaging in a rapid argument with her father in a language unfamiliar to me. Dr. McCoy then ran into the room in an effort to force the commodore to leave. Through the door I heard Dr. McCoy yell at the man for being a horrible father. Because I could not hear Nyota agree with that assertion, I assume that she was gone by that point. This is when the commodore vacated the premises.

A few minutes later Dr. McCoy came into the room to inform me that all 'meet the parent' meetings usually end in arguing or bloodshed. He also said that if he knew that Nyota's father was going to be interviewing me himself he would not allow the man in the room. He also referred to him by a few expletives that I choose not to repeat in this letter but I completely agree with. The Doctor also stated that he was not going to allow anybody to question me until he or Dr Suarez felt that such a thing is medically sound.

I am grateful for this as much as I am for the commander being forced to leave before I had no choice but to discuss what is currently being referred to as the 'warp core incident'. I am not ready to recount the incident that occurred in engineering to anyone else. I am not sure I will ever be able to describe the moment surrounding your death for official purposes, especially solely for the purpose of examining what went wrong and how we could have handled the situation differently. I am cognizant that I could have handled the situation differently. I have already composed a list; I do not need a third-party to do this.

First, we should have kept the rest of the Admiralty from discovering our relationship, even if such a relationship is normally sanctioned under Starfleet guidelines. We should have anticipated that our relationship would be treated differently for various reasons, such as the fact that you are the youngest captain ever to command a starship, and several were displeased (jealous) with your field promotion becoming permanent.

Second, I should have been more vocal in my protest against the removal of Dr. Suarez. You were sure that her removal and the placement of Dr. Cruz was an actual attempt by the Admiralty to undermine your command or to have a ready spy for their own purposes. At the time I assumed that you were being paranoid. However, as Dr. McCoy has said many times in the last few days, 'It is not paranoia when they really are out to get you.' Evidence now suggests that certain members of the Admiralty were actively conspiring against us for purposes unknown.

Third, I should have been more wary of the Admiralty from the beginning. Although I was unaware of Admiral Marcus's disdain for you, I was well aware of Admiral K's extreme dislike for you, allegedly because of the strawberry incident.

Because I hold the principles of Starfleet in such high regard, I wrongly assumed that those in charge would do so as well. I did not think that they would purposely orchestrate a plan to get you out of Starfleet in the matter that they did. We are now all aware that at least 37 separate regulations were broken during their efforts. Also, I am convinced that we were given the mission on Nibiru for the sole purpose of tempting us to do something they could find fault with. Your brother refers to it as a 'set up'. I am grateful that we instituted our practice of working on reports together, because they could not find something earlier.

Four, I should not have insisted that I be the one to neutralize the volcano. There were others on my team who were skilled enough to do this, but I did not want to send anybody on a perilous mission that I would not be willing to do myself. I know you feel the same way. I am certain that you would have violated the Prime Directive to rescue any crew member, as you stated in your letter to me, but I do not believe Starfleet would have questioned your motivation in the same way.

It is still likely that you would have been demoted for such actions; however, we still would have been able to serve on the same ship. That is all that really matters. I just want to be with you. I do not care about anything else. I just need you. I would leave Starfleet for you. I am tempted to anyway after recent events.

Finally, I knew you were emotionally compromised by the death of someone you perceive as your father, and I should not have allowed you to be taken advantage of by Admiral Marcus. Though only in hindsight, I am fully aware of his manipulations. According to Admiral N. Pike, Marcus had nothing to do with her husband joining Starfleet. It was actually your mother who convinced him to join. I knew that what he was asking us to do was wrong. It was my duty as your husband and as your First Officer to tell you when you are making a decision that is detrimental to our family or our crew. Sometimes I wonder if those two are not mutually exclusive.

You put yourself in great peril to help me realize that I should not have been in command after my mother's death, and yet I did not do the same thing for you after you lost your true father. I think that is where I truly failed you.

* * *

From: UhuraNX

To: KirkJT

Time Sent: 6/16/2259 19:54:17

Subject: Can you please wake up now before I do something else that's really dumb?

Dear Jim:

I am sitting here waiting at the spaceport for the Vulcan specialists to arrive. The only reason why I'm waiting is because they had to take commercial due to the current state of chaos. I would like to reiterate my strong desire for you to wake up before your husband drives me completely crazy and I do something even stupider than what I did two hours ago in a certain doctor's office.

I don't get why you are still comatose. Your body is healing a lot faster than everyone thought it would, including a certain ex-boyfriend who will remain nameless. I can't deal with this by myself anymore and maybe that's why I am making certain decisions that I really should not.

Your honey bear needs you and I need you, because I forgot how to deal with Spock without you there. He did not even touch my anti-boredom kit that I dropped off this morning because he spent the majority of his time hacking into your super-secret backup archiving system to repudiate all of Cruz's lies.

I'm going to strangle whoever thought it was a good idea to have Spock work on this stuff right now. This sort of thing is not good for anybody's mental health. But with Spock, it's worse. We both know he's horrible at dealing with his feelings. He has two states, repression or explosion. Right now, Spock is in pain because you are still in a coma and he's pretty much blaming himself because he was unable to prevent that.

I know he did this when his mom died, but I think it's worse this time (although that could be because he's acknowledging that this time). In his therapy journal, there is a unbelievably long list of all the things that he wished he had done differently. It contains everything from trying harder to keep Dr. Suarez on the ship to declaring you emotionally compromised before Admiral Marcus started feeding you whatever bullshit he gave you to convince you that being Klingon bait was a good idea. I almost cried, but thankfully I was alone when I read his letter to you.

Yes, I took a picture of the pages when Spock was otherwise occupied with your brother before I was forced to leave for chauffeur duty. If you were conscious, you would chastise me for what I did, but it was necessary. As Spock's best friend, it is in my job description to monitor his mental health, at least until the professionals get here. I'm not having a repeat of the Marc incident, ever.

I have to resort to stuff like this because it's not like he's telling me anything. He just keeps changing the subject to things he knows I don't want to talk about right now. This is like his favorite avoidance technique. I try to talk about you and he tries to talk about the fight I had with my father. I try to talk about the fight you and he had before everything went to hell and he brings up my breakup with Leonard. That really is not something I want to talk about ever, which is probably why Spock brought it all up. At least he didn't mention why I came into his room looking so disheveled, but I hope that was him just being polite.

If you were conscious you could actually get him to talk about it and maybe convince him that you were going to do whatever you could do regardless of all the things that Spock came up with to change things. For example, I'm sure that in this dimension there is no way you would have let him get anywhere near the warp core. You probably would've punched him out too if he'd tried.

Scotty is still mad at you for breaking his nose. You're probably going to owe him some bourbon or something.

I guess maybe it's time for me to talk about the idiot boyfriend, the other idiot ex-boyfriend. Something happened this afternoon and I have to talk to somebody about it. I would rather talk to you about it in these letters then talk about it with Spock, because I don't feel like giving him another reason to feel guilty, especially when he should not feel guilty about it.

Thanks to your little special revenge, he thinks that he broke my heart when he broke up with me last year, when in truth it didn't hurt, especially compared to how I feel now. I love Spock. I adore him, but we just don't have that type of chemistry. We are lifelong friends, not lovers, and I'm okay with that.

It is the Leonard McCoy problem I have no idea how to deal with. The entire breakup thing was Leonard's fault anyway because he's a stubborn jackass and refuses to acknowledge that I'm not his ex-wife. Just because I have a guy friend doesn't mean I'm going to go down on him during fun best friend movie night, despite whatever ridiculous rumor is going on.

Everything kind of came to a head today. Our first fight happened this morning after I dropped off Spock's survival kit. Leonard said something about me being too close to Spock. I said something about him trying to get into the underwear of a certain doctor who is not handling her father's death very well. He said that she was just a patient and I called bull shit.

That's when I left for my day of being interrogated by Admiral K and talking a crying Carol out of the bathroom. If I didn't leave then, I probably would've smacked him upside the head or possibly something worse. Actually, if I wasn't writing you this letter, I would be punching out walls or other people randomly.

God, I hate K. I'm totally convinced that Admiral K is being so hard on me because it's obvious he had something to do with Marcus' grand scheme to trigger war with the Klingons. He's so covering his ass. He probably thought that when everything blew up he would be the one who would be in charge, not Admiral Chan. Thankfully, Admiral Chan is trying to find out the real reason why everything went to hell and not believe whatever Admiral K is trying to pass off as the truth.

Also, because I'm such a nice person, I'm now going to be spending tomorrow at a funeral for a man who literally tried to kill me and every single one of my ship colleagues. You can't go to your parent's funeral alone, even if they treated you like a pawn and a toy for your entire life. There is like a rule about that somewhere in the female codebook. Christine probably would be there if you had not reassigned her to the deep outreaches of space to keep her from dousing Spock with aphrodisiacs again. In a way, it is totally your fault that I'm going to the funeral of such a horrible person. I'm not going for him. I'm going for Carol. She is not responsible for the stupidity of others and she just can't go there alone.

So after that insanity, I came back to check on Spock, hoping to find him relaxing with a nice game or movie. Instead, I find my sperm donor asking him really inappropriate questions about our relationship. I don't know if I'm madder about him asking Spock those questions as my sire or as a Starfleet investigator. It wasn't right. Of course I walk in just as Spock tells him in a very Spockish way that Dr. Cruz's accusation was false because we haven't had sex in over a year. Spock gives a much more precise number that I can't even remember. Then, Spock tells him about my sexual relationship with Leonard. When you're conscious again, we are so going to have to teach Spock that sometimes it's in your best interest to stay quiet.

I get upset and tell my sperm donor that he has no business asking my friend personal questions, even if he is investigating the Vengeance Incident. Of course, I may have started screaming at him in Swahili, because I really didn't want Spock to understand this part of the conversation. The sperm donor had the audacity to start yelling at me for not telling him about the personal relationship I had with one of the people that he is investigating, because it could undermine his investigation. He wasn't even upset that I was having sex with a guy because I'm his little girl. He was mad about my sexual relationship with Spock, because it can hurt his job. I think that's why I'm so upset. It's like further evidence that they don't love me at all. Why did they even have me?

By that point, Leonard helped me get the sperm donor out of the room. That's when I reminded him that his investigation was also compromised since I was sleeping with the chief medical officer until right before everything went completely and utterly psycho. That led to another argument between my dad and Leonard, which I didn't stick around for. When I came back with ice cream, I ended up being confronted by my ex-boyfriend about my daddy issues. You'll be happy to know that I did not throw my ice cream at him, but maybe I should have.

Okay, I'm may have done something a lot worse. We started screaming at each other about... I don't even remember what we were actually screaming about anymore. I know it was bad because he pulled me into his tiny makeshift office. The next thing I know, I pushed him up against the wall and we are kissing. Maybe if we had stopped there, it wouldn't be so bad, but I sort of ended up fucking my ex-boyfriend on his desk, or at least I hope it was his desk.

No, Jim, I don't know how it happened. I do not even know why I let it happen. It's like one minute we're arguing, and the next minute, I'm making really good use of those all-too-short skirts of the female Starfleet uniform. I was even the one on top. We didn't even bother to take our clothes off. It was quick and dirty. Well, it was dirty, anyway. The quick part was questionable since by the time I got to your and Spock's hospital room, your honey bear had managed to have a four-page letter written to you. Thankfully, all the bruising is in places where it won't show.

I'm sure Spock knows exactly what I did with Leonard. He knows what I look like post sex, and it's obvious he's going to be able to smell it, even though I've doused myself with perfume. If he did not, then we have even bigger problems. The only thing that takes away sex smell is a shower, and that wasn't even possible. (Dr. Suarez will probably know too since I still have not had time to take a shower.) That's probably why he kept asking me so many relationship questions before your brother walked into the room and started screaming at Spock and literally blaming him for your death, claiming that you purposely sacrificed yourself for Spock. Apparently, he came across that certain email when he was gathering emails from your special place for the investigation and

I got to go. Dr. Suarez just walked into the waiting room with Dr. Weston and Other Spock?

To Be Continued.

Footnote:

Just a reminder Admiral K is not the TOS canon character of Komack. I think I said that in A/N during the first story, but that was probably three or four years ago. I originally created him as a symbol for general government corruption and chose to not give him a real name. K is actually short for this guy's nickname of Admiral KKK. He is a shadow player, because nobody really knows his true motives or what he would do for power. Unlike Admiral Marcus, people already do not trust him, but he probably sees that as an advantage.


End file.
